Overwhelmed...

   The quads are just two weeks away from turning two!!!  Where has the time gone?  I can't remember the last time I sat down to write.  For those who may being viewing my blog for the first time...welcome, glad your here; however, if you offend easily...go ahead and exit now, as I am not the blog for you!

    I would wager to say that the most common question I am asked is "how do you do it?"...well, that and "are they all yours?" (insert palm of hand against forehead, emoji here).  But to answer the former of the two questions as simply as possible...I don't!  I don't do it...not alone anyhow. If I were to rely solely on my own strength, my own knowledge, or any of my other abilities... I would fail...I would fail daily!  There might very well be a supermom out there that can handle a husband, six kids,  as household, and three business all on her own...but I am not that mom.  There is way too much poop for me to be that mom!!!
    The quads have not only discovered they can take their diapers off...oh no...they have conquered it!   Walker especially loooooves to take his diaper off.  That kid is small but mighty! he has now been dubbed "Tiny Terror".  I have been putting cloth diaper covers on over the disposable diapers because he hadn't been able to get out of those; however, one particular evening, I had fed the quads, taken them upstairs in their room to let them have play time while I finish getting dinner ready for the big boys (one of which was sick with a high fever) and I(Matt tends to get home after we have all eaten...but yes, I do include him in the dinner making.  Not making him for dinner...but you know what I mean!). Afterwards, Campbell(8yr old) asked if he could go play with the babies before they had their bath.  I am cleaning up the kitchen when I hear "moooooommmmmyyyy!  they got poop everywhere!)  I arch my head around the corner and ask if he is just kidding, because before I came up with the cloth diaper cover option, we had an incidence of pooping in a disposable diaper and then taking it off and poo going everywhere!  The moment I saw the look in Campbell's eye and the steady shaking of his head...I knew it was no joke!  I grab my phone(because you have to document this stuff to be able to laugh about it later...much later) and run upstairs.  As I scaled the stair, the hot aroma of poo about knocked me down.  I open the gate, turn the corner and there it was...the Quadnado of poop!  Two naked babies, one shirtless baby, and the only girl with her leggings stuck around her feet, but otherwise still clothed and diapered.  Ashton looked like he used the poop for war paint!  I couldn't tell if he had painted himself or allowed a brother to do it.  I scooped them up as quickly and carefully as possible and loaded them into the tub.  I couldn't even plug the tub because of the amount of poop coming off these babies!  I held the body soap upside down and doused them in it! I heard my brother enter their room followed by a bellowing "Oh my...that is awful(gag sound)...holy cow, they got it all over the wall!"  I popped my head out of the bathroom to see what wall he was referring to, as I had only seen poop on the babies and the floor.  Sure enough, on the opposite side of the room, poop finger painting had taken place on the wall and door. I could only manage to shake my head in rebellion of accepting the reality I was in.  As I turned to grab a wash cloth out of the linen closet I noticed the diapers on the floor, I quickly grabbed them to see who the poop-er-trator was.  But to my surprise...the diapers were spotless!  Uh-oh...that means there is a turd...somewhere in this room.  I yelled to my brother to help me find the origin of the poop, to which he replied "surely there isn't a turd remaining...it got spread everywhere."  But I knew otherwise...I scanned the floor lifting toys and blankets, and then I spotted it or rather them...two giant poops!  one teetering on a rocking elephant and one lying on the floor beside it.

 Without even having to be asked my brother ran downstairs to get the cleaning supplies to work on the poop while I cleaned the babies.  As my brother is scrubbing the floor and I am scrubbing filth out from under the nails of Walker and Ashton I hear Campbell yelling from the bottom of the stairs that Jack(the child with the high fever) is crying and needs me!   On top of it all, I had thrown my back out a few days prior and was still in a great deal of pain doing anything other than lying flat on my back.  You see, this is where God reminds me that my own strength is simply not sufficient!
   No supermom here, just a super tired, underpaid, overworked, overwhelmed mom, that becomes more and more grateful for a Savior who carries my burdens so that I still have joy in my heart and a smile on my face!
   Prior to the quadnado of poop, misfortune, Matt and I had four days away with our big boys celebrating their birthdays in Disney World!  Six months earlier I had signed up to run in the Disney Princess Half Marathon.  The race was early on a Sunday morning and we figured since Campbell and Jack's birthdays are only five days apart, instead of doing birthday parties, we would go down a few days early and celebrate them in one of the happiest places on earth!      In the day to day chaos that is our lives, I had forgotten just how much fun my big boys are when they get some alone time with mommy and daddy.  They didn't fight or argue one single time while we were away!!!!  We all loved every minute of the two days we got to spend in the parks...even the 90minutes spent waiting to ride the Snow White mine train... 90 minutes of waiting for a two minute ride!!!  But totally worth two minutes to see the smiles on their faces and having Jack snuggle up tight against me...seeking protection from impending doom!

   There are certainly times, with the stresses of running three companies and growing the eighteen team members involved, along with all the stresses of my household,  that I desperately want to snuggle up to Jesus...burry my head in his armpit, seek protection from what is surely to be impending doom!  But just as smiled and told Jack "open your eyes...you are safe...enjoy the ride!" I know that is what God is telling me.  I can surrender all my fears and burdens to him...I am safe...I need to open my eyes and enjoy the ride!  Because in no time at all... it will be over!

  Another common question that is asked...more from myself than others, is "are you able to give so much of yourself?  to those at home? and to those in your company?  won't something/someone fall short?"  There are days when I ask myself "what in the world are you doing?! How can you possibly handle it all?"  I know that my kids get the best of me, when I am not with them 24/7!  God called me to open a salon four years ago, so that I could grow people and show them the same love that He has shown me.  To surrender that dream, and all that God has grown it to be, would be a disservice to all involved and frankly a slap in the face to the ONE who made it all possible!  God doesn't source you with a dream without resourcing you on how to achieve it.  My family and my company are two sides of my heart.  My family does take the priority; but giving up on the other...because it seems to hard...would mean I was trusting in me, in what I "feel" and what I "see happening".  Trusting in God to come through...when a goal "seems" unrealistic, is my favorite part about faith.  Like when Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade steps off the cliff...in faith and lands on what appeared to be an invisible walkway.  He didn't turn around and quit, because "it didn't make since how he would reach the other side of canyon without a bridge."  He stepped out in faith...and only then, was the walk way revealed. (I am a huge adventure and super heros fan, kinda gal).
    Having partners in my company who believe in me and my vision for the future and excel in areas I lack, is another huge piece of the "making it work" pie.  I spend the majority of my time investing in growing them so that they may in turn invest to grow others and so on it goes.  If only my bank account matched my faith account...we could inspire the world... one hair dresser at a time!!!
    In sitting down to write today, it was me taking a the time, to open my eyes, reflect upon and enjoy the ride.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for us next...even if that means potty training!!!

hurt back...trying to mommy through it

This heavy medal represented so much more than finishing a race...but that's another story for another day.

   

Beware If You Pity the Mom of Multiples

             I currently have 6 other blog posts in the works; but today sent me to the edge of the edge, and I had to get this down.  Please excuse the annoyance that you might be able to smell while reading this!  Just kidding, this is not a scratch and sniff post! If you offend easily, you may want to discontinue the reading of this post.  I am generally joyful and well mannered; however, today, I had no energy to contain my sass!
            All four babies got very sick on Christmas and ended up with RSV(a nasty respiratory virus, that can lead to pneumonia).

They have been on breathing treatments every four hours for the past two days and we are all irritated and exhausted!  I was taking them back to the doctor today for their check up and as I was unloading another mom said to me with a gasp followed by clinched teeth  "oh my God, you have triplets!"  I replied, that I actually have quads, and her response about landed her face down on the cement, she, dead-faced serious said "Oh, I'm so... sorry!" and then proceeded to put her hand on my shoulder.  I looked at her hand, then her eyes, down at the baby I had just placed on my chest, then back at her eyes "don't be, they are amazing and I'm so grateful."  My ears became hot, and I'm sure my cheeks were fire red.  I tend to be able to keep my cool; however, lack of sleep, crying babies, non stop rain!!!! I was on edge.  I guess she saw my "if you pity me and touch me again I might break your wrist" look I was giving her and she tried to laugh off her comment.  I continued looking in her eyes and flashed a closed mouth smile. She started to stutter over her words  about how hard it must be, but she wasn't making complete sentences and then she got in her car, and I continued to get out the next baby.  As she was backing out she asked if I needed help, without turning around I said "no thank you, I've got it!" Starting to pull away she said "I can shut your door!"  Starting to turn around I said "no thank you, I have got that too!" and then she said "well you look damn hot!"  I nodded my head and said thank you.  I laughed the rest of the walk into the doctor's office.  Did she really just try and compliment me to redeem herself?  I don't take the babies out often, but when I do, I typically get "bless your heart"  "Oh...you must have so much help, there is just no way!" "how do you do it?" "OH....MY...GOD!!! bless you!"  and then there is the look and stare!   Today, however, was my first "I'm so sorry!"  I may need your prayers, but I don't need your pity!  We have got this!  We love our family fiercely and have and will do whatever it takes to keep moving forward.  God has absolutely placed the right people in our lives.  We have an amazing support system of family, friends, church, our sitters, and all of our readers that have prayed and encouraged us along our journey.  I appreciate the sentiment behind "bless your heart" in fact, when my friends tell me their kids are sick, I typically will say "bless their little bones", not out of pity, but because it hurts my heart that they are sick. But the way it is said to me, seems(might not be factual, but seems) to be pity.  No one needs to feel sorry for us.  We feel privileged that God chose us to parent our 6 children.
       When people assume that we have tons of help.  I want to respond "would you be able to afford tons of help if you had quadruplets!"  The 20 hours a week that we use a sitter is when I am at work or working from home and we spend, in 1 month of childcare, the equivalent of our mortgage payment!  This week I have had to have more help, because the big boys are still on Christmas break, and my oldest is sick with bronchitis.  I had a staff meeting Monday that I had to run, but other than that I have been at home.  Four sick babies are the same as one sick baby.  They want to be held!  Ergo I had both the sitters I use, with me, at the same time! I never thought I would pay someone to help with my children while I was home!  But that is our reality now.  Those who have kids know just how much a sickness can flush your monthly budget down the toilet.  Doctor's visits, medications, soup, gatorade, ginger ale, saltines, kleenex, Vick's, more medications, etc.  Now... I know that the implication behind the "tons of help" phrase has less to do with the budget of the "tons of help" and more with the "you have your hands full" aspect of it.  I do not offend easily!  Life is way better if you live it un offended; however, I know many moms(through my high order multiples groups) that will go off in annoyance if someone assumes they "need" help.  I, like many others, "mom" my children unassisted, and that includes my 9 month old quadruplets!

                                                                         ---side note---
I may "mom" my kids, but my husband is an amazing partner and father.  When he is home, he is in the trenches with me and we have grown closer as a married couple parenting our quads.  We no longer have the "luxury" of arguing with each other over the little things...or even over the "little big things."  In fact, this past weekend, when the babies were at their worst, Matt sat down on the stairs leading up to their room and put his head in his hands and said "i'm about to lose it, I am about to have a melt down!" to which I lovingly replied "honey, we will have to save that for another time, Meyers is screaming again!" Later that night after we had put all the kids to bed and sanitized the baby room I was walking through to the kitchen rubbing my forehead and Matt asked me if I was about to lose it?  I looked at him, smiled, and said "what would be the point?  what good would that do?"  I then grabbed a few of my Dove dark chocolates and gave him a kiss.  I know as soon as I get a chance to go for a run, I will cry the whole time and finally be able to release.  I am not recommending anyone hold in their frustrations to an unhealthy level, but I am saying, there are times when you need to accept the frustration for what it is and move forward. I am beyond aware that I can not change my circumstances, but I am, however, fully able to change how I respond to them!
                                                                               -----------

      So, no, I do not have "tons of help!" but I do have tremendous support! and couldn't imagine life without those who have loved us so selflessly.

     

I don't need pity...I love my "job"
challenging, stressful, amazing, and joy beyond words!

      I am not a mean person and I will not flip you on your face if you say something to me in passing.   Word of advice, next time you see a mom out that has multiples, or many children all within a few years of each other, try saying "wow, you have a beautiful family!" or " you are doing a great job mama!"  Believe me, we know you think we have our hands full, because we do!  Often I am using all the energy I have to be out and when I hear words of encouragement, it gives me my second wind!     You never know what has occurred in my day already and if you throw pity my way, I may not be able to control the face I make!
      And one more thing...if you choose to do the "look and stare," could you at least hold the door open for me!

me and the crew at Target the Saturday before Christmas

The Self Behind the Selfie

   I have started three separate posts now...none of which I have finished.  I will get back to them eventually, but I knew this post came first.  Most every one is aware that October is breast cancer awareness month!  Many get "pinked" out to show there support.  Donations pour in for survivors, and those who are still fighting their battle. Several thousands gather to walk for a cure in the fight against breast cancer.  If you have not battled cancer yourself, you probably know someone in your close circle that has.
    Another cause in October, that is gaining support, is that of  Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness.  This cause is represented by pink and blue.  This, like cancer, changes many peoples lives forever!  It's often a silent and lonely battle. One I have suffered through.  Before the quads, we conceived twins.  The first one died early on and the second looked like it would continue to grow and develop.  I heard it's precious heart beat the week before Christmas.  The baby was around 9 weeks. We got through the Holidays and after the new year I went in for my 12 week check up.  I will never forget that appointment...the outfit I was wearing, the smell of the office, the cold paper sheets, the even colder ultra sound gel...it is forever branded in my mind.  I was so excited to get to see my little fighter, there is nothing as sweet as hearing your babies heart beat while in utero.  The doctor came in and started to gel up the "over the belly" ultrasound probe.  I was so excited and said "oh boy, the baby will be big enough to use the 'over the belly one'?"  She said yes and began the scan....silence filled the room.  I heard her swallow deeply, she then said the baby still looked really small and she would try with the other ultra sound probe(the one that is inserted).  I stared holes in that screen looking for the heartbeat flicker.  I began to cry and said "I don't see the flicker!"  The doctor tried different positions, more for my benefit, than I am sure she needed to.  She said there was no heartbeat and from the size of the baby it looked like it was still around 9-10 weeks.  She told me she was sorry.  I cried more and said "me too."  She gave me a hug and said I could take some time.  I sat up, wiped my tears, and began to get dressed.  No more tears came, I was numb.  After checking out I got in my car and called Matt.  "I lost it!"  It took him a second to realize what I was talking about, and in that moment of silence, I began crying again.  I sat in my car for over 20 minutes before I could gain enough composure to drive back to work.  By the end of the day when I was back home, in my sweats, laying on the couch, my sitter had brought Jack home . She asked if I was ok and all I could say between sobs was "I want my baby back!"  The next day I had to go into the hospital and have a D & C.  There was enough "material" that it was best to have it removed instead of waiting for me to pass it naturally.  I debated this process in my head, but the baby had died 2 weeks prior and I had yet to pass anything and the anticipation, I felt, would be too much for me to handle.  So I decided on the procedure.  I cried the entire day.  I prayed and cried and prayed.  I begged for forgiveness from my baby, because I had not provided a safe and secure environment for him/her to grow in. (In hindsight, I realize I "did" nothing wrong!  but in that moment, I felt as though I had failed my child).  In the passing weeks, the false belief of failure permeated every part of me, and I fell into depression.  I was still in love with my two big boys, but the feeling of loss...it took over.  Not only was I feeling depressed, but now I was feeling guilty for feeling depressed.  Why couldn't I just be grateful for the two sons we had been blessed with?  and that be enough? why was this feeling of loss so great? How was it that I had gotten pregnant and had full term pregnancies twice before, only to fail now?  Why did God bless me with twins only to take them away?  It was a battle I dealt with silently, for months!  I had even been put on an anti depressant.  I still worked and maintained my home, but I struggled each and every day.  The doctor had said to let my body heal and then six weeks after the procedure we could try again.  6 months later, countless pregnancy tests, no baby...lots of heart ache, but no baby!  After going in for testing, I was diagnosed with PCOS(poly cystic ovarian syndrome).  Making getting pregnant very difficult.  At one point I had to have a cyst(the size of a tennis ball) removed from my ovary!  Three months after diagnosis Matt and I prayerfully decided to try IUI.  It would give us our best chance without having to do IVF.  The result....Oh My Quad!!!
       Seeing the quads in the NICU and seeing the other teeny tiny babies in there fighting for their lives, brought me so much clarity on the reality that mothers everywhere experience the loss of pregnancy and often the loss of their precious babies.  I know now that losing my pregnancy early on was in deed a blessing in comparison to losing a baby I could see.  Those who have lost an infant and still are able to smile, at some point,  are stronger than I can even fathom! I am thankful that October is also the month to celebrate and honor the lives of the precious who were lost.  I believe with every part of me that those babies are wrapped up in the glorious arms of their heavenly father!  and we will see them again and they will know our face!!!
      The third "cause" in October, that is less known, is that of Cyber Bullying Awareness.  I never imagined this would be a cause that struck so close to home!  I will not call myself a "victim;" however, I have also suffered through cyber bullying.  My fingers tremble as I type, because I am fearful to even publish the word "circumcision."  Red flags fly throughout the "Anti-circumcision" activists web pages!  I learned this the hard way.  When the boys had their circumcisions, I posted a picture of their sweet little faces when they were brought back from the procedure.  I posted that they did great!  and the picture was so stinking cute of the three all together swaddled and snuggly with each other.  I did not think twice!  BIG MISTAKE!!!  I was flooded...with hateful comments from strangers.  The Quad page had been such a beautiful place, that brought joy, love, and support.  Complete strangers helped to encourage me through the tough times in pregnancy and then celebrated the happy moments with me.  Now, this once joyful place, was darkened with hate!  I received private messages saying "[I] shouldn't be allowed to still be alive!"  that "[I] am a despicable human and a genital mutilator"  that "[I] deserved to have my genitals mutilated in my sleep." and much much more.  I took down the post, yet people continued to comment on other pictures and posts on the page.  Many of my readers jumped to my defense, which I appreciated, but I still was in shock at the intense amount of hatred that was flying in my direction.   Pictures of "back ally style" circumcisions were being posted.  I was being cussed out... it was and still is unbelievable! And what's even more unbelievable is the amount of harassment that came from other mothers!!! There were a few who messaged me and said they would no longer be following my journey and that I should get educated on circumcision.  That response is one I can handle!  You catch more bees with honey people!!! Thankfully the topic has calmed from the quad page; however, my company Facebook page and website are still receiving bad reviews because of this topic.  People are leaving  reviews, on the salon page, saying "I had a horrible experience and Julianne Kirkland is a despicable human being and a genital mutilator!"  Not one of these hateful reviews has even come from a guest that has been in our salon, nor do they live in our state!  Thankfully I am able to report these reviews to FB and they are removed.  But the removal typically comes three or four days later! I have no idea how many of our, potential new guests read these reviews while they are still up.  My heart breaks for the amazing women at my salon who are trying to support themselves and their families with an honest days work.  These women have their own life battles and should not have to endure the ramification of one of mine.
       So why not take the page down?  Why not remove my name from the salon and be a "silent" partner?  I ask myself these questions daily...sometimes hourly!  and then I hear from that still small voice!  "Be still and know that I am GOD!!!"  I am not going to let this world snuff out His light!!  If I were to take my page down, I lose over 11K people that choose to view my page and hear about Christ's love and how He moves in our lives and has transformed our family dynamic and how I would be lost as a wife, as a mother, as a business owner, as a woman, without the grace and mercy that He freely gives each new day!  If I took my blog down, the 300K+ that have read it would miss out on the most important "topic" I could ever write about...the truth is, being a believer does not mean your life will be without hard times, it does not mean you will not suffer, it does not mean you won't(at times) feel alone, it does not mean we won't be put under pressure, in fact scripture tells us to [daily pick up our cross and follow Him] Luke 9:23.  Being a believer means we will endure persecution, but the best part is, the most important part is...we won't do it alone!!!  There is a well known poem out there called Footprints and my favorite part is when God responds "...My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.  During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of foot prints in the sand... it was then that I carried you..."  Gives me chills every time!  We may feel alone, but He has us wrapped up in his glorious, big daddy arms!  We become too overwhelmed and overtaken with the emotions we are feeling that we forget to be still and sink into His embrace.
      There are times when I read a review or a post that I want to respond the "Julie way"  and fire back with my sassiness; however, my purpose is to love how Jesus loved! So instead, if I do respond, it is "Thank you for sharing, but please use your passion about this topic to educate others instead of harassing a mother."  I just don't understand why, if someone is truly passionate about this topic, he or she does not use that passion to educate those who have yet to make their decision!!!  Why continue to beat up on a mom who has already gone through with it?  I feel mothers are judged too harshly on so many topics, circumcision, breastfeeding, vaccinations, diapering, homeschooling, etc.  and one of the biggest cons of social media is that people can hide behind their screens and dish out hate, without a second thought. Even though I have shed many tears, I am, in a way, thankful to be the target.  Maybe then, it will occupy one less hater and distract him/her from preying on someone else.  My flesh may weep, but my soul clings to my savior!  He tells me that [He is working all things for good, for those that love Him] Romans 8:28.
     My hope is, with every blog post you read, with every picture of the quads you see, that it would remind you that you are loved!  and no matter what battle it is you are fighting, He's got your back!  I hope you also know that those you come into contact with on a daily basis are also fighting a battle, or working through a tough time, or maybe just need a smile.  The world would be a much better place if we chose to look at the self behind the selfie!

preview of our fall pictures
courtesy of KarenGinnPhotography

Too Close for Comfort

     Yester-evening(yes, I am aware that is not a word...although it should be) after dinner was served and all babies were fed, I laid Bradlee down on her tummy on top of a boppy.  I then walked into the kitchen to put away the leftovers.  I heard a muffled thud, and didn't think much about it.  Then I heard my mom say to Jack, " are you ok? just try and slide out of the chair."  It was at that moment it registered...the glider Jack was sitting in had flipped backwards...it was at that moment that my adrenaline kicked in and I ran into the living room and lifted the glider off of Bradlee!
    I will try and paint the best picture I can.  Our dining room has now been converted into baby land.  We just laid down all the foam matting the day before, but had yet to put up the gates.  Our living room flows into our "dining" room with a squared arch way.  The glider was in the living room, facing away from the "dining" room,  but was able to rock back into the "archway." Just beyond the archway, in the corner where the two walls come together is the babies play mat.  I had laid Bradlee down, on her belly, to be able to look at the characters on the mat in the "dining" room (she was facing the back of the glider, about 3 feet away). When I got to her, the arch of the top of the glider was lying directly on the back of her neck.    
    I picked her up, she was blue, cold and clamy, with no real color in her face and arms. I yelled that she was blue and my mom called 911.  I held her very still and bobbed and swayed. I started crying and in-between sobs, I just kept gasping "Oh my God!"  It felt like forever, but was probably about a minute before she started crying. It was a cry I had never heard.  I was flooded with fear, the only prayer that would come out of my mouth was "oh my God" and it was a cry out to my Father! Much like a toddler cries out for her daddy in the night. I knew He knew what I needed. Bradley's cry became more subtle and would only increase in strength, pitch and volume if she tried to lift her head from my chest.  As her color returned, the ambulance arrived. Thankfully we have a fire fighter that lives down the street and when he heard our address over his radio, he came to the house to check her out.  The ambulance arrived shortly after.

   Riding in an ambulance once again took me back to when I was 23 weeks pregnant and sent to Augusta via ambulance.  I became angry with myself.  I fought so hard to carry my babies and now 3 days before they turn 5months old....  I had to start speaking God's truth to myself, because the what if's were beginning to consume me.  What if I had been in the bathroom? what if I had been in the shower? what if I had gone outside to get the mail? by the time she would have been noticed...it would have been too late, my sweet baby was suffocating.  My hands are trembling and my tears are flowing as I type.  Just the thought...
    Thankfully our ER doctor is a good customer of Matt's.  He was so kind and got all the necessary scans done in rapid time!  Praise Jesus they all came back clear. But at the hospital Bradlee was inconsolable.  Her cry was back to the pain stricken cry, nothing we did comforted her.  Even her smell changed!  Every time she moved her head she would wince and cry out.  We tried a paci, and feeding her...and all the rock and sway methods.  Four hours in, all head and neck scans clear, and she was still crying.  The doctor wanted to get her an IV with morphine started and send her to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta.  He just didn't like how she was responding.  But first we tried an enema of tylenol.  20 minutes later he ordered one more scan, this time of her clavicle.  By the time we got the scan back, the pain and reduced enough where she wanted to eat!  Since the scans were clear, she had eaten, and she was now asleep on my chest.  I asked if we could try going home before Atlanta, and if she started vomiting, or crying uncontrollably again, or if she wouldn't eat, we would go.  The doctor agreed and we went home.
    Bradlee slept in her rock n play in our room and we all slept hard for three hours when we were awakened, 45 minutes shy of our alarm going off, by our dog throwing up on our carpet!!! I mean when it rains, it pours!
    Bradlee is doing much better today.  I can tell her head and neck are still very tender, but with Tylenol she even played a little!  I took her to our pediatrician this morning just to get "the morning after check" and she was acting much better.
    I am completely humbled!  At times I do think "ok, I got this!" and last night in the ambulance I just kept thinking "this is too hard, how can one person be divided so many ways?  How can I be good enough for six children and my husband? I am not strong enough, I don't have what it takes, I will always fall short! God has given me more than I can handle!" and it was at that moment that the "still small voice" reminded me that He HAS given me more than I can handle...alone.  But with Him, we got this!  He is sufficient, He is good enough, He is strong enough, He has what it takes, and He loves me and He loves my baby girl, and no matter what...He will see me through.  I would love to say at "that moment" everything turned peaches...but that wasn't the case.  I still had the what if's attack me throughout the night and again today, they are debilitating!  But at "that moment" I was able to breathe and I was comforted!
    It is easy to post time lapsed videos to the Oh My Quad Facebook page.  It makes this job seem doable...and honestly, at times it is!  And then there are times when you have all four babies crying at one time, your two older boys are trying to wash up for dinner and tell you about their day(as they fling water all over because they talk with their hands!), one dog is barking to be let in while the other dog is clawing at his food bowl, and the hubs is calling my phone(most likely to tell me he is running late) and I am trying to cook dinner!! Those are the times when I feel so divided and trying to hurry and get  all tasks accomplished just makes me run further behind...I spill the dog food or I drop Campbell's milk!  I throw ten balls in the air and miss catching all of them!!!   Those are the moments I want to crawl under my covers, eat ice cream, and watch Lifetime movies!  So to all those who have so kindly said I am a "rockstar," I thank you and then call you, silly! Please don't put me on a high horse...cause it sure hurts a lot more when I fall!  I graciously accept and ask for your prayers for our family, and am so thankful for the love and support we have received.

    Happy 5months to my four little monsters! You keep me on my toes...and on my knees!

my stretch mark road map to healthy!

            Am I insecure?  What a loaded question!  I would not say I am insecure; however, I would say that I struggle with insecurities!  Thankfully I have accepted the truth that no one is perfect!!!  That job was for Jesus and he nailed(no pun intended)!  I know that the choices I make have consequences; therefore, I try and use my best judgement on the matter.  Do I doubt myself? Sometimes!  Do I always make the right decision? NOOO! I'm human...not robot!   All that to say, I truly hope I do not offend anyone on the topic of exercise and health.  We each have our own journey and I am not about to tell someone "what they should do;" however, I love seeing what others do and then make modifications that fit my life!  Inspiration is not a how-to guide...it is a jumping off point for your creativity!
        There is an amazing woman in our town that is a personal trainer!  She helps woman every day on their quest to being the healthiest they can be...and she does it all to the glory of God!  Although I have never personally worked out with her(I got 4 babies= lack of time and lack of $), I love seeing her post on FB and the stories her clients share about their transformation.  She posted recently that we were made not to just survive...but to THRIVE!(a great song, by the way ;) ).  And it's so true!  The past few months I have felt so unsettled...like I was floating.  This is the first time I have had six kids...I take it day by day, and just when I think I have a routine down, one of them changes it all up and stays awake all night and then sleeps all day (MEYERS...little stinker)!  I was trying to get acclimated back at work ( a few hours a day, a few days a week)and I just felt unsettled without some sort of routine!  The big boys started back to school this week and I decided this was my chance!  I was craving some structure(and by structure I mean the kind of structure that isn't too structured and allows me to not set myself up for failure!).  I knew this was the right time (for me) to undergo my ''operation healthy"(quote from another hometown inspiration).
         I want to be healthy again and get my active body back.  Not because "I feel pressured by society" to, but because I feel at my best!  I want to be at my best for Christ, my family, myself, and anyone who struggles with the fear that "they can't do it." I am not a model...you will not see me posting pics of me in a bikini running behind a stroller! (I would like to note, I was not offended by that picture, nor did I feel pressure to look like her. I give her props for being active with her child, no matter what clothing(or lack there of) she chose to wear).  My goal is to be compete in a triathlon by the time I'm 33!  That's three years!  In the meantime I would like to run in the Disney princess half marathon, not this year, but next!  I wish I could snap my fingers and be able to run for miles again...but I can't!  I have to work at it!  I have to take my exercise one day at a time!  I tried running 3miles about a month and a half ago and the jiggle from my extra belly skin discouraged me, and the fact that by the time I made it to the end of my driveway I was already huffing and puffing(and no, I do not have a long driveway!).  I was thinking too far in advance(for me, at that time).  I needed to get back to eating healthy and then get my muscles active again.  I was on bedrest for 10 weeks!!!!  I remember being exhausted walking back and forth to the NICU!  My body had been through it's own little war!!!  I remember feeling so discouraged about my lack of physical strength because I had been in the best shape of my life before I got pregnant.  But I prayed through those feelings of insecurity and God reminded me to "come just as I [am]." He offers the same peace no matter what I look or feel like!
       My next topic of discouragement or insecurity was my stretch marks!  Do they represent four little miracles and the amazement of what my body went through? Yes! are they beautiful because of that? YES! Do I wish I could take a picture to keep instead of having them on my body?  a truthful...yes.  Again, I do not intend to offend anyone, this is my personal journey and my personal struggle, and I share it to let others know who have these feelings that they are not alone!  The struggle is real and an often lonely one.  
     A few years ago I was in a bible study that challenged us ladies to go home and look at ourselves (as stripped down as we were comfortable with), in the mirror, from head to toe, and say out loud what we loved about our features. The object was to get us to see the beauty in ourselves that God sees in us.   I will never forget that exercise and still do it to this day when I feel insecure about my looks.  I now see my stretch marks as a road map to my healthy body!  There are twists and turns, smooth and rough surfaces, deep and wide and shallow and narrow pathways, all to remind me of what I have endured and to remind me that I don't have to lean on my own strength(because it's not sufficient) to get back to healthy! I know the road back is not going to be easy, I know I will have days where I want to nothing, but I also know that I was made to THRIVE and I want to set a healthy lifestyle example for my kiddos!

The pictures below are hard for me to post, but I have promised from the beginning I would be honest, and I am honestly proud of each and every one of these stretch marks and what they represent. They contribute to my body being perfectly imperfect!

with babies still in utero

4 months pp

if only pictures could let you feel the texture

Fit Me For a Straight Jacket!

     For those of you who are reading my blog for the first time...welcome! and you may want to start from the beginning, because without the back story you may find me all sorts of crazy!  But if you choose not to do so please take note of a few things... First and foremost, I am a believer! Second, I am not a writer, so do not be surprised by grammatical errors and spelling mistakes! (my mom was an English teacher, so I'm sure she cringes a bit every time she reads a post ;) ).  Third, having quads is no joke! to date, it is the hardest thing I have ever done! Fourth, I am honest...sometimes a bit more than some can handle. I just no longer see the point in dancing around the truth...and no longer have the luxury of time to do so.  If you like things sugar coated, this may not be the blog for you!

  The babes are now three months old!  This time has gone both incredibly fast and painfully slow at the same time!  On the one hand, I can't believe they are three months old, they are getting bigger each day, staying awake longer(which is fun and exhausting), eating more(also exhausting), sleeping longer at night(hallelujah!!!), starting to focus on my face when I talk to them and every now and then they crack a smile(heart melting and comforting, because for the first two and a half months Bradlee just looked mad all the time)!  On the other hand, I can't believe they are only three months old!!! It's definitely not because they look bigger (they just now are filling out their new born size clothes), I think the main reason is because the days in the NICU seem like an eternity ago! Looking back on the pictures from their first week...blows my mind on how much they have accomplished!  Each baby whether it be a singleton, a multiple, or a grand multiple, is a miracle! The fact that I have four babies that were formed in my womb perfectly, born at 31 weeks and 1 day,  and are now out in the world with no health issues, and are thriving...I fall to my knees in praise.  Why God chose Matt and I to parent these babies, I don't know?... I am extremely impatient, I like my sleep, I like a well thought out and executed plan, and I hate being in the house all day long! Sometimes I will be holding a baby and will think...man, I could be such a great mom to one!  I feel like I can't hold, kiss, smile at, play with, etc. in a fair distribution between four babies. I have yet to find a way to comfort all four while they are crying.  The internet is a buzz with the "don't let your baby cry it out" method...ok, how do I do that with four?!!  If any of these "experts" can hold/rock and comfort 4 babies at one time, I ask that they release a video on how to do so...cause this quad mama is now octopus! My arms arm limited to the standard two! Four individual babies with four individual personalities !
    Ashton aka Big Man, is our most demanding baby and he just wants to be held...he thinks he's an only child.  He now has mastered the lower lip quiver that will break your heart! He could be in the deepest sleep in his bed and I will go to pick up another baby that I haven't got to hold much that day...and he knows! He will start the quiver...followed by the "my world is ending" cry.  How can it be that he is only 3 months old and already charming???

Ashton

    Bradlee Ann is something else...I see now why God only gave us one girl!  Everything is different with a girl.  From the womb she has been a fighter!  She was the first to accomplish milestones in the NICU, and now at home!

Bradlee

She is one feisty Little Bit! She loves her morning snuggle time with biggest brother Campbell.  I love how they already have a bond.  She is just as content being held as she is to be lying with one of her brothers.  I love her HUGE eyes, she has the craziest faces in many of the pictures I take.  She is the best sleeper out of the four, but man she screams like a banshee when she needs something!  I am talking piercing your ear drum screams...not overly loud...just high pitched!  She is just now starting to smile(few and far between) but when she does, she lights up!  It is so beautiful to see, because most of the time she looks mad or confused!
   Walker is such a sweet baby.  I don't know how else to describe it, he is just easy to fall in love with.  He flew under the radar at the NICU, just kept progressing at a slow steady rate, which is opposite from in the womb where he occupied my whole left side by himself and he photo bombed everyone else in their ultra sound photos, with one of his body parts.

Walker

He always made himself known! Now, he just hangs back and observes! I call him my Popeye because when he smiles, he draws up the left side of his mouth all the way to his eye.  He has a sweet little grin too, but his "big smile" is my favorite!  He is also our "spit-er" he and Ashton struggle with reflux.  Ashton's is more of a painful reflux, where the regurgitation comes back up, but not out! So he turns bright red, his eyes water, he chokes and screams, arches his back and tries to catch his breath!(all I can do is hold him up right and try to comfort him until it passes).  Walker's reflux doesn't seem to hurt him at all, he just spits all day long- from the dribble out of the mouth to the projectile "how are you spitting so much back up, when you weren't fed that much!" amount of spit up. Both are on reflux medicine and hopefully this stage passes quickly! Walker goes through at least 4 outfits a day...and yes we use bibs...and yes he drenches those! Visitors beware...you will need to bring an extra shirt!
   Meyers, still known as baby D, amazes me.  For the longest time, we didn't think he would develop into a baby(his heartbeat wasn't detected until two ultra sound visits(2 weeks) after the other three's were heard). He was the one who got sick for three days in the NICU,

Meyers

he was also on his c-pap the longest...and now...he is our chill baby who was the first to roll over!  He only gets upset when his tummy hurts, other than that, he just likes to look around and take it all in.  I love when I go to his bed in the morning and he is just lying their wide awake and smiling!  It is the best way to start my day!
   I love watching these babies grow!  I love that they are awake more!(even though it is exhausting for mommy). I love getting to re-discover the world through their innocent eyes.   I am in awe with God's design.  People often ask "how are you doing...really?" or "now tell me honestly, how are you?"  honestly?  honestly.... I am tired!  I have good days and bad days.  I have moments where I feel "I totally 'got this'" and moments where I feel "how in the world will I survive?"  I cry! I laugh! I get frustrated! and I have moments of peace.  I have all the emotions any mom has with one baby, just multiplied by four.  The struggles are real...but so are the joys!  We have stayed busy for two reasons, one, I have a six year old and a four year old who love to do stuff with their mommy! I love exploring with them and sharing their adventures.  Campbell and Jack have done so well adapting to our new family dynamic and I don't want them to not be able to experience what they would have experienced if we had only had one baby.  Now, of course there are times when they do have to take the back seat...unfortunately, that is our reality!  There are times when all they want to do is go with me to the pool, but with the heat, taking four babies down to the pool, just can't happen.  I wish I could make life fair...and as often as I can, I do...but life is not fair. So instead I am trying to teach my children how to handle their emotions and feelings when life isn't fair.
  Reason two: if I stay in my house all day every day... fit me for a straight jacket!  I am and always have been active! being on bed rest in a single room, by myself for 8 weeks was all I could handle...and through God's grace and mercy alone, was I able to do so!! Family, friends, chocolate and Swedish Fish of course, made it easier; however, all the earthy forces could not calm my heart and fears like the Almighty!
    How are we able to get out and do things?  I have help!!! I have an amazing babysitter/angel sent from heaven that is with me Mon-Thurs 8:30am-4:30pm. For the past three weeks we have had an amazing young lady help us for 5 hrs at night Mon-Wed(greatly helping Matt get some sleep so he is not a complete zombie at work).  Our nightly help ends next month, but the babies are now doing two five hour stretches. They sleep after their 10pm feeding until 3am, and then from 3am until 8am! So I know God has orchestrated how Matt and I will survive once she is gone!  I cannot do this alone!  are there parts of the day when I do? yes!  Is it challenging? yes! always? No!  My mom helps me on Friday and  really whenever I throw up the white flag in surrender!  I have even made it into work at least once a week(however I usually take two babies with me).  When we go places, we are typically meeting friends there and the babies...for the most part, sleep in their strollers until time to eat.  When they do eat, it's all hands on deck! and then it's back to the adventure.  Is it easy? no.  Is it worth it?  I think so!  I am exhausted, but I am also loving every minute of it! I may learn as I go, and question myself...but God knows what he is doing...I am know the truth that I can take Him at His word! He chose me for this role...it humbles me daily but it also brings me more joy than I could have ever imagined!

  As I write I am home alone with the babies.  The three boys are awake and fussing(feeding time is in 20 min) and I have to stop to keep putting the paci back in.  I have been typing with one hand to hold and comfort ...you guessed it... the BIG man. This is my new normal, hard, tiring, crazy, fun, joyful, loving new normal!  all I can say is OH MY QUAD!

I'm No Magician

 
Preface: it has taken me over two weeks to write this one post!  we joke that entering our home is entering a time warp zone.  Finishing this post today 5/16/15, our babies are 8 weeks old and are becoming more alert and are staying awake for longer periods of time.  I would also like to apologize in advance for poor grammar, and any part that may seem confusing.  My mind is mush!

     Despite the kind, supportive words of all those who have been following this journey...I am no super woman, wonder woman, rock star, etc!  Always nice to hear, and I am thankful for the boost of confidence it gives me; however, the truth is, this journey is hard and I have to take each day one moment at a time!  I don't want to give any illusions that "I know what I'm doing" or that "I have got this," because I don't.
  ----------------------------------pause for back story--------------------------
    From the beginning I have promised raw honesty.  I feel it is extremely important for anyone who is reading to know that I am not so good at sugar coating, I tell it like it is...no illusions!  When I was pregnant I was under so many illusions from other moms of multiples, that "seemed" to have their journey so much easier... pools or hydro therapy tubs to help soothe their achy bodies, c-sections that "seemed" to be no big deal, recoveries that "appeared" to be no problem, NICU suites and policies that "appeared" to not demand a yellow gown cover for sanitary purposes, and "appeared" to let the parents hold their babies whenever, postpartum bodies that are tight and back to pre-pregnacy weight within a few weeks.  All illusions!  all the aforementioned scenarios were NOT my experience!  Every time I hit a new step in my journey, I made the mistake of comparing it to someone else, and when my scenario did not replicate hers, I found myself disappointed.  I want to clear the air and give hope to anyone who has not had "it"(whatever the "it" may be in your case) easy.  Sometimes life hands you a lemon and when you go to make lemonade, you are missing the sugar!

---------------------------------end of back story---------------------------------------------------

 I am not about to pretend I can do this on my own, using my own strength.  I have no more strength, lack of sleep depletes your strength real fast! I know that without the Lord, I would crumble into an emotional mess.  He keeps me functioning when I feel I can function no more.  He has shown me grace and mercy that sustains and revives me.  In the day to day, I am beyond thankful for the support of my family, my babysitter, and the countless people who have offered support with meals, diapers, wipes, letters of encouragement, extra hands around the house, arms to hold babies, etc.  I cannot find the words to express how thankful I am!  I cannot fathom how difficult this would be without all the support I have received.
     Ironically, I feel, at this particular moment, that I have it a bit easier than it will be in the very near future.  My babes are only 37 weeks gestation and 6 weeks old, they are preemies and they pretty much sleep until it is time to wake and eat, then it is right back to sleep.  I look forward to, yet still fear the "newborn" stage...where they will be awake more often and in need entertaining!  That is a full time job with one baby, how can a mom do it with four?  I am fortunate right now that my babes are tiny enough that I can scoop up one with one arm while still holding another...but how in the world can I do that once they start getting bigger and gaining weight?  I'm no magician...I can't make extra arms appear, if I could, I would add arms and hours!
    All the hours run together, I often have to back track two or three feedings to recall a start time, then I just add the necessary 3 hours between feedings to get to the start time I am seeking. I have fed the same baby twice. In the middle of the night I have forgot to feed the baby that was laying on top of my chest(I told the hubs I would breastfeed her and then out we both passed)!  I have gone until 2pm without a bite to eat... and those who know me know how HUGE that is (I like to eat lunch at 10:45am ;) ).  I have learned that I can carry on a full functioning conversation with my husband while I am completely asleep! I constantly smell of spit up- two of the four have reflux.  It is amazing how I can come out of the shower still smelling of spit up!  But I am thankful for the shower non the less, because those don't always happen as they should.  I constantly fall asleep while breastfeeding, thankfully Jack or Campbell yells at me to wake up, and thankfully I am always in a safe place with a big boppy around me!  I loathe cleaning bottles!  The worst part of my day is when I come into the kitchen in the morning and there is a sink full of all the prior night's bottles.  There is no avoiding it...the sink is right beside the coffee pot!!  I am astonished that even with breastfeeding we are going through a can a formula every two days!!!  I fervently pray that God maintains my milk supply and allows it grow as the babies do!  We ended up getting a second washer and dryer to help keep up with the amount of clothes we are washing each day...and we aren't even to the "poo-nami" stage yet ( a poo-nami is where a baby poos so excessively that it explodes out every area of the diaper). Lord help us when we are changing outfits because of reflux and poo!
    Shortly before I sat down to write, all four babies were crying at the same time, Matt was outside catching frogs with the big boys,...and despite my best efforts, I could not single-handedly comfort all four babies at once.  So what is a mom to do?  Fix a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and put her feet up in the recliner!
      Through all this Matt and I still can't believe we were asked to "reduce." We are so blessed by all of our children, even though we get no sleep and have started to twitch!  One of my favorite moments is when I was breast feeding two babies, Matt was bottle feeding one and burping another and he looked at each baby for a moment then looked at me and said "Reduce...my ass!"  Funny, yes, but it is precious to me because when we were talking of having a second child, Matt's biggest concern was that he wouldn't have enough love for another baby.  And now...six kids later, our hearts are overflowing with love, and couldn't imagine life without each one of them!

our full nest