Home Stretch

 

pjs fail

      Although last week was long and emotional and it ended with me back in the hospital, I now see the finish line and am full steam ahead!  The hubs brought the boys down earlier on Friday and we took them to PF Chang's for the first time.  They loved it, especially being able to use their chopsticks! After word I ran(and by ran, I mean wobbled) into Soma to get some super soft pjs to sleep in and that I could wear after delivery for Kangaroo care(where you hold the baby to your bare chest).  Unfortunately my big ol belly would not fit in said pjs. I guess I will have to wait until after the babies are born.  Saturday was a slow dreary day.  I am thankful the boys enjoy seeing their mommy and were content to stay inside and play boardgames and legos, because that is all there was to do.  Later Saturday evening I started having some intense contractions and they lasted into the night.  I kept waking Matt up with my labored breathing and pacing around the room.  I knew if things didn't calm down I would have to go back to the hospital tomorrow, which I was dreading because Sunday was supposed to be a beautiful warm day and I was looking forward to sitting outside, in the sunshine, and watching the boys play base ball.  Sunday came, contractions stayed, so to the hospital I went.

contractions

      I was having contractions about every 7 minutes; however, my cervix remained closed..."Fort Knox" closed, as quoted by this doctor!   I was given my last dose of steroid shots to help with the babies lungs and about 30 minutes later my contractions picked up in both intensity and frequency.  I was put on fluids to see if that would help calm things down, but no such luck.  I had sent Matt and the boys home a few hours after I was checked in.  I was confident I would not be delivering that day and didn't particularly want to since my doctor was still out of town...or so I thought.  Late that afternoon Dr. Browne came to visit.  After an emotional week, having to cut my family time short, and being back in the hospital with contractions...I lost it when he asked "so what's going on." I broke down and told him I felt like my body is giving up on me.  I want these babies to keep baking for their benefit, but my body is done.  He went on to say that fortunately for the babies my cervix is solidly closed; however, that is hard on me because my body is contracting away and without dilation or my water breaking, or the babies being under stress while I'm contracting, he doesn't have a reason to deliver me before 32 weeks.  We agreed it would be best for me to remain in the hospital and that unless, something caused me to deliver before, we would schedule my c-section for Friday 3/27!  I cannot express the amount of relief I felt.  I no longer feel like I am wondering aimlessly, waiting for some"thing" to cause me to go into labor. I no longer have to worry about going into labor in the middle of the night by myself, or getting out of the shower and passing out due to all my eye sparkles, etc.  I now have a goal and it's attainable!  I can see the finish line!  Being able to get to 32 weeks will be huge for these babies!  Dr. Browne is even going to try and arrange it to where the boys get to spend a little bit of time with the babies(possibly hold them) before they go to the NICU, as long as the babies are stable.  Having the delivery date scheduled will allow my family to be here for the delivery, which is so needed.  One of my biggest concerns was and still is, something happening to cause an emergency c-section and no one would have time to get here to be with me.
    Crazy enough, two nights ago, an emergency c-section looked to be a very possible reality.  The babies had their late afternoon(5ish) NST monitoring done.  Baby girl(baby B) had an extended acceleration in her heart beat and then had a drastic drop, right at the time we were taking off the monitors.  When the shift change occurred(7pm) the Doctor coming on was reviewing my labs, and monitoring strips from earlier today.  She was bothered in how baby B's scan ended.  She came in and explained that ending the monitoring on that negative note left her feeling uncomfortable and she wanted to put baby B back on the monitor for 30 minutes, just to make sure the pattern did not repeat itself.  I asked what it would mean if the pattern did present itself again.  She said it would be an emergency c-section situation.  As they were getting the monitors ready, I called Matt to let him know what was happening, I wasn't upset or panicking because God had given me peace that this was not how these quads were going to be born.  I prayed the entire time I was on the monitors and baby girl passed with flying colors!!!  I was immediately grateful for the great care I am receiving here and it was affirming to know that being here the past 8 weeks has not been in vain.

hydrotherapy ;)

     On a much lighter note,  many of my readers have also followed the Gardner and the Weaver quads.  I am thankful that I have had the chance to connect with both Ashley and Heather, they are very kind and supportive.  If you have followed their story you would know that while Ashley was in the hospital, she had access to an indoor pool to be able to ease her aches and pains.  Heather was allowed to use her hospital's hydrotherapy tub twice a day, and I get a shower that has the water pressure of a squirt gun...not a super soaker...no no, a dollar store squirt gun! and also a random stool, the purpose of which I am still not clear, not to mention it is missing the gripper part on one of the legs.  I don't need or expect special treatment, I just thought it was funny and wanted to share.  Looking at the stool, what in the world am I supposed to use it for?  It is too low to sit on, or even put my shower supplies on, and I don't see the need for having to stand on it either.  Speaking of shower supplies, I had to wheel in the dirty linens hamper just to be able to have a shelf to place my soap, shampoo and conditioner on.   I did tell my nurse after she asked how my shower went, that it was quite difficult with the water gun pressure, she said she would make sure maintenance looked at in the morning and if they were unable to fix it, she would find an empty room's shower for me to use.  Thankfully maintenance was able to fix the water pressure the next day!
    Monday afternoon I was finally able to get the weights of the babies.  I have had the same awesome tech doing my ultrasounds for the 8 weeks I have been here.  She knows my babies and has a rhythm down when scanning them, to make the process as easy on me as possible.  Since it was not my usual Friday morning scan, my tech was not there.  The lady I had was nice enough and has been doing ultra sound for twenty years, yet for some reason, I wasn't as confident it her results.
                                                                          ~~~side bar~~~
   ~~ surely her results were spot on; however, I tend to be cautious and even a bit cynical when meeting new people...especially people who are taking care of my children~~~



 Their weights looked great and all have gained appropriately. Their heart beats and cord flow all look wonderful.  I am hoping that baby girl will hit 3 lbs before delivery!! With 12lbs of baby in my belly I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with each new day.  I have started having extreme back pain and spasms, nerve pain in my hips, and any position other than lying on my side...hurts, and even side position hurts after a while.  Walking and standing feels like my uterus is pinching a belt of nerves that wraps around my waist...or rather where my waist used to be! Sitting on the bed, I have to roll a sheet or put a soft pillow up under my belly for support, otherwise I loose feeling in my legs!
       I am still amazed at what the human body can endure, I have, what I like to call "Satan's reflux."  I call it that because only Satan himself could have come up with this horrific form of reflux.  I am on three different medications for it, and I still have thrown up a several time.  Now I also get an anti-nausea medicine, all four combined keep it manageable, except for when Baby A has to be monitored.  He is so low(almost under my pubic bone) that I have to lay back as flat as possible to pick up his heart beat.  As soon as I assume the position, my back starts spasming and the liquid magma from my esophagus starts to rise into my throat.  I have to slightly turn to my left side and sip ginger ale to keep everything flowing in a downward motion. When I am having the back pain my pulse races and my breathing becomes labored.  I feel the pain shoot all the way up my spin into the base of my head and then I feel sick and dizzy.  The nurses and doctors have pain medicine ordered for me that I can take, but knowing I am headed into a surgery next week where I will have anesthesia, and afterward will have a high dose of pain medicine, I just don't want to take it unless I have to. After my previous c-sections all the medications tend to prevent me from pooping for days!!! I don't want to start drying things up now and create and even worse poop problem!  I want to focus on my babies after delivery, not having a painful poop!  "Take a stool softener" you might say...well yes, I do daily, but something about having your belly cut in half creates a struggle and the struggle is real, whether or not people are too embarrassed to talk about it!
      Although, at this point in pregnancy, there are very few joys, I am so blessed to have made it this far! And to think that in 9 days I will be having my babies, fills me with enough joy to push through!
      This verse rings true:  Isaiah 40:29  He gives power to the weak and to those who have no might, He increases strength.     AMEN!!!!

The Struggle

  I can't believe I'll be 30 weeks on this Friday, March 13th...even more, I can't believe that I have been here since Friday, January 23rd!!!  When I arrived there was the fear that if I were to have to deliver there was only a 50% chance of survival.  As each week passed the odds swayed more in our favor.  At week 28 we hit the milestone of the babies not being born with delayed cognitive abilities and 90% chance they would not have cerebral palsy, and a 98% chance of survival!! Each week that passes with them remaining in utero reduces another risk factor.  NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis) is a serious intestinal disease among preemies.  NEC happens when tissue in the large or small intestine is injured or has developed a hole.  When this happens, the intestine can no longer hold waste, so bacteria and other waste can enter the baby's bloodstream or abdominal cavity, making the baby very sick or causing a life threatening infection.  NEC typically occurs before 32weeks gestation, but in some cases after.  I have to remind myself of these very real issues(and so many more I have not named), as having a preemie does not just mean a very small baby that has to stay in the NICU.  As much as I am ready to have my babies, I know that each day that passes with me remaining pregnant is a blessing to their health!
    I heard a quote today watching some news channel of a man on trial for a second murder; he was acquitted of the first murder.  Anyway he said "no one ever tells the whole truth, our nature will always prevent us from being 100% transparent."  Not to agree with a man on trial for murder, but the more I thought about it, the more I found myself agreeing with that statement.  So often we hold back as to "not hurt someone else's feelings, or make them uncomfortable" when I think often the reality is we are the ones that don't want to feel uncomfortable and we want to avoid confrontation to prevent someone from being angry with us.  Or we fear being judged. All that to say the raw honesty I am about to reveal might not agree with every reader.  From the beginning I have promised to be honest, and speaking the truth is easy if you omit the "hard to swallow details." The whole truth, on the other hand, can be a bit more difficult. Even though I know all the risk factors, my heart still yearns to hold my babies, and my body is ready to function "normally" again.  I was back in the L&D triage today having my blood pressure monitored, and after three hours of being monitored, was released to do another 24 hour urine test(where you collect your urine for 24 hours, it is processed to reveal the level of protein in it, and then pre eclampsia, or lack there of, is determined).   I am so thankful I got one of my favorite nurses today.  She is so genuine and kind.  My other favorite nurse came by when I first arrived to check on me.  She is the nurse that went out of her way to pick up my medicine from the CVS(which I had no way to get to) and she bought me a box of Girl Scout cookies.  I wish I could request the two of them for when I finally do deliver!
     Although today's hospital run was not traumatic, it was just another notch on my belt of annoying pregnancy symptoms, that encourage the attitude of "being done" or "giving up." My spirit is still strong, but my body is tired and no longer recognizable to me, and my emotions are hit or miss.  Some days I am happy and ready to cease the day(by sitting up in my bed instead of lying down ;)) and other days I totally melt down!  I am annoyed with myself for being annoyed at myself, what is wrong with me? I wish I had more strength to endure, but I feel empty.  I am finding myself jealous every time a mom from my "high order multiples support group" gets to deliver early due to bp issues, contractions, or what have you.  How twisted is that?  Babies need to stay in the womb as long as possible and I find myself wishing that every time I go into the hospital, or go in for an ultra sound or doctor's appointment, that there will be something going on that will force me to deliver.  How's that for raw honesty.  It hurts my heart that I am feeling this way, because I would, without thought, lay my life down for one of my children.  So why is this different? Is it because I was told from the beginning that I was unlikely to make it past 28 weeks? Is it because this pregnancy has been a battle? Is it because I'm being selfish? Is it because I have a hard time breathing? Is it because I'm tired of my belly resting on my thighs? Is it because I hate when baby A(who is shoved down into my cervix) gets the hiccups? Is it because I am overloaded with pregnancy hormones and have no control over my emotions...and body for that matter?  Is it because I HATE being away from my family?  Is it because I feel like I am failing as a mother to my boys at home? Is it because I miss going to bed with my husband and reaching over in the middle of the night to hold his arm? Is it because I am tired of peeing every 10 minutes? and having unreal acid reflux?  Maybe it's all those reasons combined and more.  I feel ashamed of myself for letting "the crap" stink up the wonderfulness of letting these babies bake until they are ready.
    I am so thankful for all the prayers, kind words, generous gifts, and up lifting support of all those who have been following this journey.  When someone leaves a comment saying how strong I am...I am flabbergasted! I feel anything but strong!  I have to thank the Lord for His light shining through my darkness, because His strength is the only thing getting me through.  I am a believer, but that does not mean I don't struggle, I don't have fear, or I don't get discouraged.  What it does mean is that when I am feeling this way, He does not turn from me!  As alone as I feel, I know He is with me...the still small voice!
   Hopefully the next post will be filled with humor and light heartedness, but the struggles are real and I want to be as transparent as possible.  Below are some pictures from this past week and weekend.

rest time

   

29 week belly bump

baby lumps

boys playing ball with daddy