The Struggle

  I can't believe I'll be 30 weeks on this Friday, March 13th...even more, I can't believe that I have been here since Friday, January 23rd!!!  When I arrived there was the fear that if I were to have to deliver there was only a 50% chance of survival.  As each week passed the odds swayed more in our favor.  At week 28 we hit the milestone of the babies not being born with delayed cognitive abilities and 90% chance they would not have cerebral palsy, and a 98% chance of survival!! Each week that passes with them remaining in utero reduces another risk factor.  NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis) is a serious intestinal disease among preemies.  NEC happens when tissue in the large or small intestine is injured or has developed a hole.  When this happens, the intestine can no longer hold waste, so bacteria and other waste can enter the baby's bloodstream or abdominal cavity, making the baby very sick or causing a life threatening infection.  NEC typically occurs before 32weeks gestation, but in some cases after.  I have to remind myself of these very real issues(and so many more I have not named), as having a preemie does not just mean a very small baby that has to stay in the NICU.  As much as I am ready to have my babies, I know that each day that passes with me remaining pregnant is a blessing to their health!
    I heard a quote today watching some news channel of a man on trial for a second murder; he was acquitted of the first murder.  Anyway he said "no one ever tells the whole truth, our nature will always prevent us from being 100% transparent."  Not to agree with a man on trial for murder, but the more I thought about it, the more I found myself agreeing with that statement.  So often we hold back as to "not hurt someone else's feelings, or make them uncomfortable" when I think often the reality is we are the ones that don't want to feel uncomfortable and we want to avoid confrontation to prevent someone from being angry with us.  Or we fear being judged. All that to say the raw honesty I am about to reveal might not agree with every reader.  From the beginning I have promised to be honest, and speaking the truth is easy if you omit the "hard to swallow details." The whole truth, on the other hand, can be a bit more difficult. Even though I know all the risk factors, my heart still yearns to hold my babies, and my body is ready to function "normally" again.  I was back in the L&D triage today having my blood pressure monitored, and after three hours of being monitored, was released to do another 24 hour urine test(where you collect your urine for 24 hours, it is processed to reveal the level of protein in it, and then pre eclampsia, or lack there of, is determined).   I am so thankful I got one of my favorite nurses today.  She is so genuine and kind.  My other favorite nurse came by when I first arrived to check on me.  She is the nurse that went out of her way to pick up my medicine from the CVS(which I had no way to get to) and she bought me a box of Girl Scout cookies.  I wish I could request the two of them for when I finally do deliver!
     Although today's hospital run was not traumatic, it was just another notch on my belt of annoying pregnancy symptoms, that encourage the attitude of "being done" or "giving up." My spirit is still strong, but my body is tired and no longer recognizable to me, and my emotions are hit or miss.  Some days I am happy and ready to cease the day(by sitting up in my bed instead of lying down ;)) and other days I totally melt down!  I am annoyed with myself for being annoyed at myself, what is wrong with me? I wish I had more strength to endure, but I feel empty.  I am finding myself jealous every time a mom from my "high order multiples support group" gets to deliver early due to bp issues, contractions, or what have you.  How twisted is that?  Babies need to stay in the womb as long as possible and I find myself wishing that every time I go into the hospital, or go in for an ultra sound or doctor's appointment, that there will be something going on that will force me to deliver.  How's that for raw honesty.  It hurts my heart that I am feeling this way, because I would, without thought, lay my life down for one of my children.  So why is this different? Is it because I was told from the beginning that I was unlikely to make it past 28 weeks? Is it because this pregnancy has been a battle? Is it because I'm being selfish? Is it because I have a hard time breathing? Is it because I'm tired of my belly resting on my thighs? Is it because I hate when baby A(who is shoved down into my cervix) gets the hiccups? Is it because I am overloaded with pregnancy hormones and have no control over my emotions...and body for that matter?  Is it because I HATE being away from my family?  Is it because I feel like I am failing as a mother to my boys at home? Is it because I miss going to bed with my husband and reaching over in the middle of the night to hold his arm? Is it because I am tired of peeing every 10 minutes? and having unreal acid reflux?  Maybe it's all those reasons combined and more.  I feel ashamed of myself for letting "the crap" stink up the wonderfulness of letting these babies bake until they are ready.
    I am so thankful for all the prayers, kind words, generous gifts, and up lifting support of all those who have been following this journey.  When someone leaves a comment saying how strong I am...I am flabbergasted! I feel anything but strong!  I have to thank the Lord for His light shining through my darkness, because His strength is the only thing getting me through.  I am a believer, but that does not mean I don't struggle, I don't have fear, or I don't get discouraged.  What it does mean is that when I am feeling this way, He does not turn from me!  As alone as I feel, I know He is with me...the still small voice!
   Hopefully the next post will be filled with humor and light heartedness, but the struggles are real and I want to be as transparent as possible.  Below are some pictures from this past week and weekend.

rest time

   

29 week belly bump

baby lumps

boys playing ball with daddy