Thankful

   Preparing for Thanksgiving I realized just how much I have to be thankful for.  My last post included a lot of the fear and trepidation that has accompanied this pregnancy; however, there is so much joy too!  I have received an outpouring of love and support from not only family and friends but also those who have been following this blog.  I truly appreciate the prayers, positive and kind words and the offers for future help (which I will be taking you up on!).  I am amazed every time I look back at these ultra sound photos.  I have four babies growing inside of me!  I am able to feel them move now, which is completely different from my singleton pregnancies, and has me going to the bathroom 4 times as much(also because I have to drink over a gallon of water a day!), but I can't help but smile.  And then I tell them to be careful and not kick each other in the head, they have enough odds against them, without in-womb sibling combat!

  I have been so pre-occupied with what "could" happen that I am losing focus on what is happening and that is a blessed pregnancy.  Sure I have constant liquid magma rising up from my chest into my throat, and vurping has replaced normal burping, and after 3pm everyday it feels like a 20lb weight has been placed on my bladder, and my arms are constantly falling asleep, which is about the only part of me that sleeps at night, but I will take it!

  At 15 weeks now I only have 9 more to go to reach our first goal of 24 weeks(which is viability) each week after that is fist-bump worthy until we make 28 weeks(typical birth period for quads).  At 30 weeks you would catch me doing "the Carlton"(a beloved dance from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)-granted I probably will be having trouble standing at that point, but I will absolutely be doing the Carlton in my head! Our ultimate goal is 32 weeks, it provides much better health for the babies without putting my uterus at risk for rupture!

  I am beyond thankful for my sweet husband, even though I have to veto all his name choices.

        ~ ~brief side note~  in all seriousness he came to me and said "I have the perfect boy name, and I want you to take me seriously, because I really do like this name."  I am at a loss for boy names considering I used my two favorite names on the boys we already have, so I smiled and listened.  "Cal-el" he said with a huge grin on his face.  Now for those of you who are trying to defend my sweet hubs, let me explain, Cal-el is the name of Superman while he was on Krypton!  Not Clarke or even Kent, no no, Cal-el. With my head tilted to one side(like that of a confused puppy) I smiled and said VETO! ~ ~

I am thankful for Campbell and Jack, who have been so sweet about their "four childrens" growing in my belly. Campbell likes to look on Pinterest with me at baby stuff and tell me what we will need.  Jack likes to talk to the babies and pat the top part of my belly(where Baby D lives) and tell him or her "Baby D, when you come out...you get to have some miiiiilk! and I teach you hide and seek."  We are already adjusting different areas of the house to prepare for the quads, since in the not to distant future I won't be able to see my toes, let alone move stuff around!  The boys have been so good about changing things up, they are so excited for their babies!  I pray that excitement continues in the weeks to come and when we have four babies crying at one time!

Baby A

 

Babies B and C

Baby B sucking his or her thumb

Baby D

Wide-Awake Aware

   Under the advice of my doctors, I was seeking guidance by researching quadruplet pregnancies, multiples pregnancy, super twins, etc.  Two things I learned.  1: there are not many folks out there with quadruplet stories and 2: the internet is full of discouraging information! The few stories that I could bear to read through, had the moms on some form of bedrest (either home, or hospital) before they reached 20 weeks.  One set of babies born at 27 weeks spent 83 days in the NICU! 83 DAYS!  There were stories of pre-eclampsia, ripping of the uterus wall due to previous c-sections, blood clots due to the bed rest, shots of steroids to help develop the babies lungs at 20ish weeks, shots that cease contractions, sewing the cervix shut to help prevent "funneling" and so on.  Then there was, not being able to hold their babies do to all the tubes and monitors, babies struggling to maintain a proper body temperature, etc.  I closed, and by closed I mean slammed (don't tell my hubs) the lap top shut. I went immediately to laying on my left side with my feet propped up(best position to encourage proper fetal growth).

  The next few days I was in a wide-eyed state of shock.  I kept replaying when Campbell was born via c-section and the nurse wanted to take him to get cleaned up while I was being "re-attached." I lost my mind...this "WOMAN" wanted to take MY baby away from me.  I could have spun my head around and spewed pea soup(image from The Exorcist, for those who I just confused).  Now I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that it could be days before I get to hold my babies after they are born.  I know it is for absolute best, but it still doesn't make it easy.

  I frantically searched for quad stories where the babies make it to 32 weeks(typical(if you can even use that word in this situation) is 27/28 weeks). I finally found a story where quads made it to 32 weeks with only 7 weeks in the NICU.  She was able to hold one of her babies within 12hrs and was able to feed her within 24 hrs.  That was the moment I experienced my first sigh of relief.  I recently heard a wonderful quote "comparison is the thief of joy."  I was engulfed in the reality of that statement.  I was becoming, what I like to call "wide-awake aware," to the fact that knowing with your mind does not always translate to believing with your heart.  I would find myself exactly where I needed to be...in the loving arms of Jesus, the one who brings peace beyond understanding; because even though the fears still creep in, and the various possible realities sometimes take my breath away, I now have a peace.

A Fourth Heart Beats

The eight week appointment shocked the doctor's once again.  Baby D made itself known!  A fourth heart beat and was measuring the same as the others.  A feeling of joy came over me, that was followed by more shaking!  (warning: do not be alarmed by the shaking that I may mention at each ultra sound, I have comes to terms with it and so should you ;)  it still takes my breath away every time I see four babies).  The doctor then was sure enough to go ahead and schedule my appointment with Dr. Rosmond (the perinatologist aka "high risk" doctor).

I would continue to have scans every week.  My doctors warned of how much "uncomfortable" growth I would experience once I started my second trimester, so I should enjoy how well I had been feeling.  I had been feeling well. Besides gaging every morning (especially when I would take Campbell to school- Jack would ask "Mommy, why you go aaaah?") and randomly through out the day when I encountered odd smells, I was doing well.  

I apologize for bizarre facial expressions and the one picture in my underwear!

My first appointment with Dr. Rosmond left him literally scratching his head.  I take back the "literally" because he was literally rubbing it, but you get what I mean.  He hadn't seen quads in over twenty five years!  I had already been told my doctor's office had never done quads, that St. Mary's had never delivered quads and now the only high risk doctor in town said he hadn't seen quads in over 25 years!  You bet the shaking was back! Heat flooded my cheeks and burned my ears, my vision became speckled, looking at my doctor as he looked at me in amazement rubbing his forehead, brought about panic!  How am I not supposed to be nervous when he looks nervous?  Luckily after sitting in silence for a few minutes(seemed like 30) he asked me if I would want to do selective reduction, which would be reducing(still makes me cringe) the babies from 4 to 2 to improve my chances of carrying healthy babies to a healthy term.  As soon as the question was asked, I responded with no thank you, I will not be doing that.  He continued to explain his reasoning for doing the selective reduction.  He did interrupt himself to tell me he had heard my answer but was going to finish his reasoning anyway. I sat with clinched fists buried between my knees and let him finish.  I smiled with closed lips and said no thank you... I AM NOT INTERESTED!  He looked at me, looked at the screen and then back at me. "Well, you are in great shape, you don't have a terrible pregnancy history, and what a woman's body can go through never ceases to amaze me.  Ok, I will see you back here in three weeks. Good luck"

4 fraternal super twins! All measuring equally!  

I left that appointment saying to myself "We can do four, We can do four!"

I Can Do Three!

The weeks that followed were filled with doctor's appointments and more fear.  Every time I went in for a scan, the heat would rise up my throat, fill my cheeks, and burn my already ringing ears.  As the ultra sound began, so did the shaking.  Flashes of the one I lost burned in my memory.  Recalling seeing the baby on the screen, but this time without a heartbeat, brought tears to my eyes.  Thankfully I was jolted out of my memory with Doctor McPherson's encouraging tone "all four sacs are developing and the yolk sacs look great as well.  How are you doing with all this?"
Through a smile, I wished was genuine, I replied I was doing ok and was just feeling overwhelmed.  She smiled and nodded to suggest she understood.  I asked what I could expect with a quad pregnancy and she said she didn't know, and that I should find a good book on what to expect with "super twins" (anything higher than two).   As you can imagine I needed wisdom, understanding...or even a hug and instead received a book recommendation...

The ulra sounds to follow went about the same.  It wasn't until my week 7 appointment that I got a curve ball.  I saw another doctor in the practice and she was able to see three developing babies, and hear two heartbeats.  Baby D however, was a no show.  From what she could tell, baby D would not develop further than a yolk sac, but the triplets looked promising.  By this appointment I had expected bad news for so long, that I was not at all surprised when I received it.  In fact, I had a feeling of relief...it made more sense to have three, more support was out there for three, we wouldn't have to sell our van, we could make triplets work...I could do three!!

The five days to follow before my week 8 appointment were lighter...physically and emotionally I just felt lighter!  After all, I could do three. It wasn't until two days before my appointment that God spoke to me(I am almost positive He had been speaking before, but now was when I listened).  I had started to feel sad over the loss of baby D.  God spoke to my heart and said "beloved, why would I give you something that YOU can do without ME? You may only be able to do three, but WE can do four!" It was as if the words were spoken and not just into my heart.  My guarded heart melted like an M&M does in your mouth.  I cried, and then prayed!

There are FOUR

I still didn't have the words to tell my husband, I knew he would be home soon.  My brother, Brian, had just arrived for me to give him a haircut on my back porch.  If you are a female, you most likely have experienced the "therapy-like"  conversations that occur between stylist and client.  Something about that cape, chair and bond allow people the comfort to reveal their life stories...well this time it was flipped. The minute I starting cutting his hair I blurted out "there are four." He nodded his head in agreement and then stopped and said "wait...what? OH MY GOD!" He then proceeded to ask me what I was going to do, and asked if I had told Matt yet.  I told him I didn't know what to do, I'd never had four babies before! and that I had no idea what to tell Matt, but I needed to decide quickly, because he was on his way home.

Finishing up the haircut, I walked into the kitchen and in walks the Hubs.  My heart was in my throat, I couldn't even look at him in the face.  He loved on our boys, kissed my cheek and asked what was for dinner.  I told him it was in the microwave.  He set the timer and in walked my brother. He asked if he should leave or did I want him to stay for emotional support.  Matt then looked at me and said "it's twins isn't it?!"  I walked across the kitchen and picked up the ultra sound photo.  "There are four!"   He turned and stared into the microwave. Campbell clapped his hands and said "we are going to have four childrens?"  Brian gave Matt a "man hug" and said he would give us some time.  Matt continued to stare into the microwave, even after his food had beeped.  I waited a few minutes and then said I would be in the living room if he had any questions.  I grabbed a load of clothes and sat on the couch beginning to fold them as Matt ate his dinner...in complete silence! My mind was racing all over the place, I could not think of a single sentence to say that would calm him, I could hardly calm myself.  I finally blurted out "i'm not having a party over here, i'm freaking out too". Then I began to cry "you could ask me how I feel!"

---just a brief fyi--- If you find out you are having unplanned quads, and you know your husband was already worrying over the finances of adding just one baby, crying about him not asking how you were feeling is not a positive opening to clear communication---

To be honest, I have no recollection of how our night went after that.  I do remember the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and amazed that I already loved each of my four developing babies.  I knew that if God led us to it, He would lead us through it; however, that sentiment would need to be refreshed within the upcoming weeks!

The Ultra Sound

    Knowing my hcg levels were high, I sat on the paper sheet on top of the table in my lovely paper dress, about to be torn apart by my rapid pounding heart.  I was so nervous thinking it could be twins!   I had a few moments of panic, wondering how is it possible for two babies to grow inside one womb!  I felt stretched to the max with my singleton pregnancies; however, if twins were God's plan, who am I to stand in His way!

   The doctor came and began the ultra sound(unfortunately not being far along, we had to use "the wand" instead of the over the belly transmitter). Right of the bat we saw two sacs side by side!  Even though I was expecting it, it still took my breath away!  She then wanted to look at the rest of my uterus and ovaries and such.  She moved the wand to the left and I screamed "what was that" she paused with wide eyes and said "that would be a third sac!"  My heart began to pound even harder, I was sure she could hear it.  She was just about to pull the wand out when to do so she moved it all the way to the left and... I screamed "ok, well what is that?!!!!"  and she said"hold on one second".  She let go of the wand, opened the door and yelled for the other doctor to come over.  I don't think I was breathing at all at this point.  I just kept saying "who has four babies? people have four babies?" She continued to scan and count the sacs...all four of them. A few minutes later the other doctor came in. 

  "I am counting multiple sacs, and just want to have you count as well, to make sure I am not double counting the same sac." Dr Halbach said with labored breathing.

As the doctors began to count four sacs together and then recounted four sacs, they confirmed that I did indeed had four sacs!  To which I responded "who has four babies?"

  She said "people do have four babies, just never anyone in this office, or in all the years I have been practicing." 

 She helped me sit up, since I was feeling...dizzy(to say the least). I was spinning with emotion! She said I could get dressed and then meet her in her office for further discussion.  I have never had such a hard time getting dressed before, I could hardly steady myself or my vision.  I kept glancing at the image she had printed for me.  "Who has four babies?"

 In the time it took me to finally get dressed and get to her office she was reviewing the scans of my ovaries before the insemination.  She was floored!  She said that she could only see two good eggs with a once in a blue moon shot at a third even being developed enough to release.  

 I proceeded to ask her, in a panic,  if she would tell my husband!   "How in the world do I tell him we are having...or do I tell him we are having...what do I tell him? Do you offer counseling or financial help?  Oh my gosh, what am I going to say?

She said I should tell Matt that there are in fact four sacs, and that I would come back for weekly scans to see how they progress.  She continued to explain how rare quads are, especially with only one round of Clomid and an IUI. In her opinion the development of four babies was not likely.

As I left her office, every nurse stared at me with excited smiles.  The one nurse who is always so kind to me stopped me and asked me if I was ok.  Then she congratulated me and shared how the whole office was excited for their first case of quads.  Apparently when a doctor opens the door screaming for another doctor in the middle of a scan, news travels fast!

I got into my car and knew I should call Matt, but could not form a sentence, so instead I called my mentor, dear friend, and neighbor Jennifer.  She had been praying over this process from the beginning.  All I could manage to say was "There are four!" 

To which she responded "four what"

"Babies...four babies, she saw four babies, who has four babies? Do you want one? How do I tell Matt there are four babies?" I word vomited.  

She graciously interrupted me with "Julie, it's going to be ok.  We will pray, It's going to be ok.  Can you drive?"

I went to work in a haze trying to figure out how I would tell my husband, who is a worrier (to say the least) that there are four babies?  I thought after all day of work, I would have figured out the perfect way to tell him... well that wasn't the case!

A Positive Test with a Side of Salt!

After the insemination, I was told to wait two weeks before taking a pregnancy test, to be sure the hormone shot they gave me was completely out of my system, for it can result in a false positive. I made it a week a in 2 days!  I figured if I went ahead and tested and it was negative, than I would not be pregnant; however, if it was positive, I could eagerly await the remaining 5 days before testing again.  Testing early with a positive result, as you can imagine, actually made the remaining 5 days torture!  But all good things come to those who wait...  My 5 days ended on a Friday and my test was positive!  9am(when my doctor's office opened) could not come soon enough.  They asked me to go ahead and come in that morning and get my blood drawn to test my hcg levels(the "proof of baby" hormone(my definition, not the medical definition)).  Later that afternoon I got the phone call that my results were good and that I was in fact pregnant.  I asked if she was sure that it wasn't skewed by my hormone shot 2 weeks prior.  She said not at all!  I was so excited and asked again "so my levels are clear to you that I am pregnant?"  she responded in a chuckle type manner "ooooh yes! they are over 1200!"  We scheduled my first ultrasound for two weeks from Monday. I thanked her for her time and went about my day, but the way she responded seemed bizarre to me, so naturally I googled hcg levels in pregnancy. I was so confused when I read that 3 weeks from conception hcg level range is from 2-112!  WHAT?!  Did I hear her wrong? That was my first indication that we MIGHT be having twins...

I was craving everything salty!  I do not like salt and vinegar chips, but purchased and ate a whole bag in one day!!  I ate a whole jar of pickles that weekend as well.  The old wives tale is that if you crave salt while pregnant you are having a boy; although this was true in my pregnancy with my first son, it was not the case with my second!  As much as I would love to have a little girl, I didn't care what the sex was, I was just so very grateful for this pregnancy.   I was immersing myself in Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  The pain and reality of my miscarriage was equally as present.  I was beginning to guard my heart and prepare for disappointment.


Monday September 22nd 2014 I had an ultrasound that would shake me to my core...

A Brief Welcome

Welcome to our family of four's journey to becoming a family of eight!  We are the Kirkland's, my husband is Matt, my boys Campbell(5) and Jack(3), and I am Julianne.  Warning:  I am not a writer!  I am a believer, a wife, a mother, and a business owner, so forgive misspellings and grammatical errors...sorry mom(English teacher)!  This blog is about our journey of anticipating quadruplets-the good, the bad, the cute and the crazy! ;)

Back in August of this year, I went through some testing to try and figure out why, after my miscarriage in January, I had not been able to get pregnant.  Turns out I have PCOS(poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and my egg supply wasn't looking like that of a healthy 29 year old.  My doctor recommended we try one round of Clomid followed by an IUI(inner uterine insemination).  The hope was to get me to produce three good eggs, so that we had a better shot(15%chance) of one taking!

When I went in for my pre-insemination ultra-sound, the nurse saw two good looking eggs...but that was it!  Knowing we were only willing to do this process once, Matt and I prayed that one would take...well God answered!  He saw our one and raised us three!

and so the journey begins...