Wide-Awake Aware

   Under the advice of my doctors, I was seeking guidance by researching quadruplet pregnancies, multiples pregnancy, super twins, etc.  Two things I learned.  1: there are not many folks out there with quadruplet stories and 2: the internet is full of discouraging information! The few stories that I could bear to read through, had the moms on some form of bedrest (either home, or hospital) before they reached 20 weeks.  One set of babies born at 27 weeks spent 83 days in the NICU! 83 DAYS!  There were stories of pre-eclampsia, ripping of the uterus wall due to previous c-sections, blood clots due to the bed rest, shots of steroids to help develop the babies lungs at 20ish weeks, shots that cease contractions, sewing the cervix shut to help prevent "funneling" and so on.  Then there was, not being able to hold their babies do to all the tubes and monitors, babies struggling to maintain a proper body temperature, etc.  I closed, and by closed I mean slammed (don't tell my hubs) the lap top shut. I went immediately to laying on my left side with my feet propped up(best position to encourage proper fetal growth).

  The next few days I was in a wide-eyed state of shock.  I kept replaying when Campbell was born via c-section and the nurse wanted to take him to get cleaned up while I was being "re-attached." I lost my mind...this "WOMAN" wanted to take MY baby away from me.  I could have spun my head around and spewed pea soup(image from The Exorcist, for those who I just confused).  Now I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that it could be days before I get to hold my babies after they are born.  I know it is for absolute best, but it still doesn't make it easy.

  I frantically searched for quad stories where the babies make it to 32 weeks(typical(if you can even use that word in this situation) is 27/28 weeks). I finally found a story where quads made it to 32 weeks with only 7 weeks in the NICU.  She was able to hold one of her babies within 12hrs and was able to feed her within 24 hrs.  That was the moment I experienced my first sigh of relief.  I recently heard a wonderful quote "comparison is the thief of joy."  I was engulfed in the reality of that statement.  I was becoming, what I like to call "wide-awake aware," to the fact that knowing with your mind does not always translate to believing with your heart.  I would find myself exactly where I needed to be...in the loving arms of Jesus, the one who brings peace beyond understanding; because even though the fears still creep in, and the various possible realities sometimes take my breath away, I now have a peace.