I'm No Magician

 
Preface: it has taken me over two weeks to write this one post!  we joke that entering our home is entering a time warp zone.  Finishing this post today 5/16/15, our babies are 8 weeks old and are becoming more alert and are staying awake for longer periods of time.  I would also like to apologize in advance for poor grammar, and any part that may seem confusing.  My mind is mush!

     Despite the kind, supportive words of all those who have been following this journey...I am no super woman, wonder woman, rock star, etc!  Always nice to hear, and I am thankful for the boost of confidence it gives me; however, the truth is, this journey is hard and I have to take each day one moment at a time!  I don't want to give any illusions that "I know what I'm doing" or that "I have got this," because I don't.
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    From the beginning I have promised raw honesty.  I feel it is extremely important for anyone who is reading to know that I am not so good at sugar coating, I tell it like it is...no illusions!  When I was pregnant I was under so many illusions from other moms of multiples, that "seemed" to have their journey so much easier... pools or hydro therapy tubs to help soothe their achy bodies, c-sections that "seemed" to be no big deal, recoveries that "appeared" to be no problem, NICU suites and policies that "appeared" to not demand a yellow gown cover for sanitary purposes, and "appeared" to let the parents hold their babies whenever, postpartum bodies that are tight and back to pre-pregnacy weight within a few weeks.  All illusions!  all the aforementioned scenarios were NOT my experience!  Every time I hit a new step in my journey, I made the mistake of comparing it to someone else, and when my scenario did not replicate hers, I found myself disappointed.  I want to clear the air and give hope to anyone who has not had "it"(whatever the "it" may be in your case) easy.  Sometimes life hands you a lemon and when you go to make lemonade, you are missing the sugar!

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 I am not about to pretend I can do this on my own, using my own strength.  I have no more strength, lack of sleep depletes your strength real fast! I know that without the Lord, I would crumble into an emotional mess.  He keeps me functioning when I feel I can function no more.  He has shown me grace and mercy that sustains and revives me.  In the day to day, I am beyond thankful for the support of my family, my babysitter, and the countless people who have offered support with meals, diapers, wipes, letters of encouragement, extra hands around the house, arms to hold babies, etc.  I cannot find the words to express how thankful I am!  I cannot fathom how difficult this would be without all the support I have received.
     Ironically, I feel, at this particular moment, that I have it a bit easier than it will be in the very near future.  My babes are only 37 weeks gestation and 6 weeks old, they are preemies and they pretty much sleep until it is time to wake and eat, then it is right back to sleep.  I look forward to, yet still fear the "newborn" stage...where they will be awake more often and in need entertaining!  That is a full time job with one baby, how can a mom do it with four?  I am fortunate right now that my babes are tiny enough that I can scoop up one with one arm while still holding another...but how in the world can I do that once they start getting bigger and gaining weight?  I'm no magician...I can't make extra arms appear, if I could, I would add arms and hours!
    All the hours run together, I often have to back track two or three feedings to recall a start time, then I just add the necessary 3 hours between feedings to get to the start time I am seeking. I have fed the same baby twice. In the middle of the night I have forgot to feed the baby that was laying on top of my chest(I told the hubs I would breastfeed her and then out we both passed)!  I have gone until 2pm without a bite to eat... and those who know me know how HUGE that is (I like to eat lunch at 10:45am ;) ).  I have learned that I can carry on a full functioning conversation with my husband while I am completely asleep! I constantly smell of spit up- two of the four have reflux.  It is amazing how I can come out of the shower still smelling of spit up!  But I am thankful for the shower non the less, because those don't always happen as they should.  I constantly fall asleep while breastfeeding, thankfully Jack or Campbell yells at me to wake up, and thankfully I am always in a safe place with a big boppy around me!  I loathe cleaning bottles!  The worst part of my day is when I come into the kitchen in the morning and there is a sink full of all the prior night's bottles.  There is no avoiding it...the sink is right beside the coffee pot!!  I am astonished that even with breastfeeding we are going through a can a formula every two days!!!  I fervently pray that God maintains my milk supply and allows it grow as the babies do!  We ended up getting a second washer and dryer to help keep up with the amount of clothes we are washing each day...and we aren't even to the "poo-nami" stage yet ( a poo-nami is where a baby poos so excessively that it explodes out every area of the diaper). Lord help us when we are changing outfits because of reflux and poo!
    Shortly before I sat down to write, all four babies were crying at the same time, Matt was outside catching frogs with the big boys,...and despite my best efforts, I could not single-handedly comfort all four babies at once.  So what is a mom to do?  Fix a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and put her feet up in the recliner!
      Through all this Matt and I still can't believe we were asked to "reduce." We are so blessed by all of our children, even though we get no sleep and have started to twitch!  One of my favorite moments is when I was breast feeding two babies, Matt was bottle feeding one and burping another and he looked at each baby for a moment then looked at me and said "Reduce...my ass!"  Funny, yes, but it is precious to me because when we were talking of having a second child, Matt's biggest concern was that he wouldn't have enough love for another baby.  And now...six kids later, our hearts are overflowing with love, and couldn't imagine life without each one of them!

our full nest