The Self Behind the Selfie

   I have started three separate posts now...none of which I have finished.  I will get back to them eventually, but I knew this post came first.  Most every one is aware that October is breast cancer awareness month!  Many get "pinked" out to show there support.  Donations pour in for survivors, and those who are still fighting their battle. Several thousands gather to walk for a cure in the fight against breast cancer.  If you have not battled cancer yourself, you probably know someone in your close circle that has.
    Another cause in October, that is gaining support, is that of  Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness.  This cause is represented by pink and blue.  This, like cancer, changes many peoples lives forever!  It's often a silent and lonely battle. One I have suffered through.  Before the quads, we conceived twins.  The first one died early on and the second looked like it would continue to grow and develop.  I heard it's precious heart beat the week before Christmas.  The baby was around 9 weeks. We got through the Holidays and after the new year I went in for my 12 week check up.  I will never forget that appointment...the outfit I was wearing, the smell of the office, the cold paper sheets, the even colder ultra sound gel...it is forever branded in my mind.  I was so excited to get to see my little fighter, there is nothing as sweet as hearing your babies heart beat while in utero.  The doctor came in and started to gel up the "over the belly" ultrasound probe.  I was so excited and said "oh boy, the baby will be big enough to use the 'over the belly one'?"  She said yes and began the scan....silence filled the room.  I heard her swallow deeply, she then said the baby still looked really small and she would try with the other ultra sound probe(the one that is inserted).  I stared holes in that screen looking for the heartbeat flicker.  I began to cry and said "I don't see the flicker!"  The doctor tried different positions, more for my benefit, than I am sure she needed to.  She said there was no heartbeat and from the size of the baby it looked like it was still around 9-10 weeks.  She told me she was sorry.  I cried more and said "me too."  She gave me a hug and said I could take some time.  I sat up, wiped my tears, and began to get dressed.  No more tears came, I was numb.  After checking out I got in my car and called Matt.  "I lost it!"  It took him a second to realize what I was talking about, and in that moment of silence, I began crying again.  I sat in my car for over 20 minutes before I could gain enough composure to drive back to work.  By the end of the day when I was back home, in my sweats, laying on the couch, my sitter had brought Jack home . She asked if I was ok and all I could say between sobs was "I want my baby back!"  The next day I had to go into the hospital and have a D & C.  There was enough "material" that it was best to have it removed instead of waiting for me to pass it naturally.  I debated this process in my head, but the baby had died 2 weeks prior and I had yet to pass anything and the anticipation, I felt, would be too much for me to handle.  So I decided on the procedure.  I cried the entire day.  I prayed and cried and prayed.  I begged for forgiveness from my baby, because I had not provided a safe and secure environment for him/her to grow in. (In hindsight, I realize I "did" nothing wrong!  but in that moment, I felt as though I had failed my child).  In the passing weeks, the false belief of failure permeated every part of me, and I fell into depression.  I was still in love with my two big boys, but the feeling of loss...it took over.  Not only was I feeling depressed, but now I was feeling guilty for feeling depressed.  Why couldn't I just be grateful for the two sons we had been blessed with?  and that be enough? why was this feeling of loss so great? How was it that I had gotten pregnant and had full term pregnancies twice before, only to fail now?  Why did God bless me with twins only to take them away?  It was a battle I dealt with silently, for months!  I had even been put on an anti depressant.  I still worked and maintained my home, but I struggled each and every day.  The doctor had said to let my body heal and then six weeks after the procedure we could try again.  6 months later, countless pregnancy tests, no baby...lots of heart ache, but no baby!  After going in for testing, I was diagnosed with PCOS(poly cystic ovarian syndrome).  Making getting pregnant very difficult.  At one point I had to have a cyst(the size of a tennis ball) removed from my ovary!  Three months after diagnosis Matt and I prayerfully decided to try IUI.  It would give us our best chance without having to do IVF.  The result....Oh My Quad!!!
       Seeing the quads in the NICU and seeing the other teeny tiny babies in there fighting for their lives, brought me so much clarity on the reality that mothers everywhere experience the loss of pregnancy and often the loss of their precious babies.  I know now that losing my pregnancy early on was in deed a blessing in comparison to losing a baby I could see.  Those who have lost an infant and still are able to smile, at some point,  are stronger than I can even fathom! I am thankful that October is also the month to celebrate and honor the lives of the precious who were lost.  I believe with every part of me that those babies are wrapped up in the glorious arms of their heavenly father!  and we will see them again and they will know our face!!!
      The third "cause" in October, that is less known, is that of Cyber Bullying Awareness.  I never imagined this would be a cause that struck so close to home!  I will not call myself a "victim;" however, I have also suffered through cyber bullying.  My fingers tremble as I type, because I am fearful to even publish the word "circumcision."  Red flags fly throughout the "Anti-circumcision" activists web pages!  I learned this the hard way.  When the boys had their circumcisions, I posted a picture of their sweet little faces when they were brought back from the procedure.  I posted that they did great!  and the picture was so stinking cute of the three all together swaddled and snuggly with each other.  I did not think twice!  BIG MISTAKE!!!  I was flooded...with hateful comments from strangers.  The Quad page had been such a beautiful place, that brought joy, love, and support.  Complete strangers helped to encourage me through the tough times in pregnancy and then celebrated the happy moments with me.  Now, this once joyful place, was darkened with hate!  I received private messages saying "[I] shouldn't be allowed to still be alive!"  that "[I] am a despicable human and a genital mutilator"  that "[I] deserved to have my genitals mutilated in my sleep." and much much more.  I took down the post, yet people continued to comment on other pictures and posts on the page.  Many of my readers jumped to my defense, which I appreciated, but I still was in shock at the intense amount of hatred that was flying in my direction.   Pictures of "back ally style" circumcisions were being posted.  I was being cussed out... it was and still is unbelievable! And what's even more unbelievable is the amount of harassment that came from other mothers!!! There were a few who messaged me and said they would no longer be following my journey and that I should get educated on circumcision.  That response is one I can handle!  You catch more bees with honey people!!! Thankfully the topic has calmed from the quad page; however, my company Facebook page and website are still receiving bad reviews because of this topic.  People are leaving  reviews, on the salon page, saying "I had a horrible experience and Julianne Kirkland is a despicable human being and a genital mutilator!"  Not one of these hateful reviews has even come from a guest that has been in our salon, nor do they live in our state!  Thankfully I am able to report these reviews to FB and they are removed.  But the removal typically comes three or four days later! I have no idea how many of our, potential new guests read these reviews while they are still up.  My heart breaks for the amazing women at my salon who are trying to support themselves and their families with an honest days work.  These women have their own life battles and should not have to endure the ramification of one of mine.
       So why not take the page down?  Why not remove my name from the salon and be a "silent" partner?  I ask myself these questions daily...sometimes hourly!  and then I hear from that still small voice!  "Be still and know that I am GOD!!!"  I am not going to let this world snuff out His light!!  If I were to take my page down, I lose over 11K people that choose to view my page and hear about Christ's love and how He moves in our lives and has transformed our family dynamic and how I would be lost as a wife, as a mother, as a business owner, as a woman, without the grace and mercy that He freely gives each new day!  If I took my blog down, the 300K+ that have read it would miss out on the most important "topic" I could ever write about...the truth is, being a believer does not mean your life will be without hard times, it does not mean you will not suffer, it does not mean you won't(at times) feel alone, it does not mean we won't be put under pressure, in fact scripture tells us to [daily pick up our cross and follow Him] Luke 9:23.  Being a believer means we will endure persecution, but the best part is, the most important part is...we won't do it alone!!!  There is a well known poem out there called Footprints and my favorite part is when God responds "...My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.  During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of foot prints in the sand... it was then that I carried you..."  Gives me chills every time!  We may feel alone, but He has us wrapped up in his glorious, big daddy arms!  We become too overwhelmed and overtaken with the emotions we are feeling that we forget to be still and sink into His embrace.
      There are times when I read a review or a post that I want to respond the "Julie way"  and fire back with my sassiness; however, my purpose is to love how Jesus loved! So instead, if I do respond, it is "Thank you for sharing, but please use your passion about this topic to educate others instead of harassing a mother."  I just don't understand why, if someone is truly passionate about this topic, he or she does not use that passion to educate those who have yet to make their decision!!!  Why continue to beat up on a mom who has already gone through with it?  I feel mothers are judged too harshly on so many topics, circumcision, breastfeeding, vaccinations, diapering, homeschooling, etc.  and one of the biggest cons of social media is that people can hide behind their screens and dish out hate, without a second thought. Even though I have shed many tears, I am, in a way, thankful to be the target.  Maybe then, it will occupy one less hater and distract him/her from preying on someone else.  My flesh may weep, but my soul clings to my savior!  He tells me that [He is working all things for good, for those that love Him] Romans 8:28.
     My hope is, with every blog post you read, with every picture of the quads you see, that it would remind you that you are loved!  and no matter what battle it is you are fighting, He's got your back!  I hope you also know that those you come into contact with on a daily basis are also fighting a battle, or working through a tough time, or maybe just need a smile.  The world would be a much better place if we chose to look at the self behind the selfie!

preview of our fall pictures
courtesy of KarenGinnPhotography