Beware If You Pity the Mom of Multiples

             I currently have 6 other blog posts in the works; but today sent me to the edge of the edge, and I had to get this down.  Please excuse the annoyance that you might be able to smell while reading this!  Just kidding, this is not a scratch and sniff post! If you offend easily, you may want to discontinue the reading of this post.  I am generally joyful and well mannered; however, today, I had no energy to contain my sass!
            All four babies got very sick on Christmas and ended up with RSV(a nasty respiratory virus, that can lead to pneumonia).

They have been on breathing treatments every four hours for the past two days and we are all irritated and exhausted!  I was taking them back to the doctor today for their check up and as I was unloading another mom said to me with a gasp followed by clinched teeth  "oh my God, you have triplets!"  I replied, that I actually have quads, and her response about landed her face down on the cement, she, dead-faced serious said "Oh, I'm so... sorry!" and then proceeded to put her hand on my shoulder.  I looked at her hand, then her eyes, down at the baby I had just placed on my chest, then back at her eyes "don't be, they are amazing and I'm so grateful."  My ears became hot, and I'm sure my cheeks were fire red.  I tend to be able to keep my cool; however, lack of sleep, crying babies, non stop rain!!!! I was on edge.  I guess she saw my "if you pity me and touch me again I might break your wrist" look I was giving her and she tried to laugh off her comment.  I continued looking in her eyes and flashed a closed mouth smile. She started to stutter over her words  about how hard it must be, but she wasn't making complete sentences and then she got in her car, and I continued to get out the next baby.  As she was backing out she asked if I needed help, without turning around I said "no thank you, I've got it!" Starting to pull away she said "I can shut your door!"  Starting to turn around I said "no thank you, I have got that too!" and then she said "well you look damn hot!"  I nodded my head and said thank you.  I laughed the rest of the walk into the doctor's office.  Did she really just try and compliment me to redeem herself?  I don't take the babies out often, but when I do, I typically get "bless your heart"  "Oh...you must have so much help, there is just no way!" "how do you do it?" "OH....MY...GOD!!! bless you!"  and then there is the look and stare!   Today, however, was my first "I'm so sorry!"  I may need your prayers, but I don't need your pity!  We have got this!  We love our family fiercely and have and will do whatever it takes to keep moving forward.  God has absolutely placed the right people in our lives.  We have an amazing support system of family, friends, church, our sitters, and all of our readers that have prayed and encouraged us along our journey.  I appreciate the sentiment behind "bless your heart" in fact, when my friends tell me their kids are sick, I typically will say "bless their little bones", not out of pity, but because it hurts my heart that they are sick. But the way it is said to me, seems(might not be factual, but seems) to be pity.  No one needs to feel sorry for us.  We feel privileged that God chose us to parent our 6 children.
       When people assume that we have tons of help.  I want to respond "would you be able to afford tons of help if you had quadruplets!"  The 20 hours a week that we use a sitter is when I am at work or working from home and we spend, in 1 month of childcare, the equivalent of our mortgage payment!  This week I have had to have more help, because the big boys are still on Christmas break, and my oldest is sick with bronchitis.  I had a staff meeting Monday that I had to run, but other than that I have been at home.  Four sick babies are the same as one sick baby.  They want to be held!  Ergo I had both the sitters I use, with me, at the same time! I never thought I would pay someone to help with my children while I was home!  But that is our reality now.  Those who have kids know just how much a sickness can flush your monthly budget down the toilet.  Doctor's visits, medications, soup, gatorade, ginger ale, saltines, kleenex, Vick's, more medications, etc.  Now... I know that the implication behind the "tons of help" phrase has less to do with the budget of the "tons of help" and more with the "you have your hands full" aspect of it.  I do not offend easily!  Life is way better if you live it un offended; however, I know many moms(through my high order multiples groups) that will go off in annoyance if someone assumes they "need" help.  I, like many others, "mom" my children unassisted, and that includes my 9 month old quadruplets!

                                                                         ---side note---
I may "mom" my kids, but my husband is an amazing partner and father.  When he is home, he is in the trenches with me and we have grown closer as a married couple parenting our quads.  We no longer have the "luxury" of arguing with each other over the little things...or even over the "little big things."  In fact, this past weekend, when the babies were at their worst, Matt sat down on the stairs leading up to their room and put his head in his hands and said "i'm about to lose it, I am about to have a melt down!" to which I lovingly replied "honey, we will have to save that for another time, Meyers is screaming again!" Later that night after we had put all the kids to bed and sanitized the baby room I was walking through to the kitchen rubbing my forehead and Matt asked me if I was about to lose it?  I looked at him, smiled, and said "what would be the point?  what good would that do?"  I then grabbed a few of my Dove dark chocolates and gave him a kiss.  I know as soon as I get a chance to go for a run, I will cry the whole time and finally be able to release.  I am not recommending anyone hold in their frustrations to an unhealthy level, but I am saying, there are times when you need to accept the frustration for what it is and move forward. I am beyond aware that I can not change my circumstances, but I am, however, fully able to change how I respond to them!
                                                                               -----------

      So, no, I do not have "tons of help!" but I do have tremendous support! and couldn't imagine life without those who have loved us so selflessly.

     

I don't need pity...I love my "job"
challenging, stressful, amazing, and joy beyond words!

      I am not a mean person and I will not flip you on your face if you say something to me in passing.   Word of advice, next time you see a mom out that has multiples, or many children all within a few years of each other, try saying "wow, you have a beautiful family!" or " you are doing a great job mama!"  Believe me, we know you think we have our hands full, because we do!  Often I am using all the energy I have to be out and when I hear words of encouragement, it gives me my second wind!     You never know what has occurred in my day already and if you throw pity my way, I may not be able to control the face I make!
      And one more thing...if you choose to do the "look and stare," could you at least hold the door open for me!

me and the crew at Target the Saturday before Christmas