the "What Ifs"

 

I can't believe we are having three boys and 1 girl!!! Our children will consist of 5 boys and 1 girl, she will be surrounded by trucks, robots, and tools, but I know she will be well protected! 

  As I approach week 18, I am full of varied emotions. I only have 6 weeks until our first goal, viability! and as exciting as that is, I'm also struck with fear and an immense amount of pressure(and not just in my uterus).  I know that I do not have the ultimate say so in the timing of these babies, but I also know that I have to do everything I possibly can to bake these babies for 32 weeks.   I have joined a mommies of high multiples support group, and I have learned some important information, like what "lightening crotch," "pirate leg," and "toilet yoga" are.  I would define those for you, but this is a PG rated blog!  Since I have joined, the week before Thanksgiving, I have shed tears with four women that have lost 1 or all of their babies before they reached 26 weeks.  One woman was 19 weeks, went into the doctor for a little spotting and two days later, lost all three of her babies and almost her own life when she lost over 6liters of blood, due to a placental abruption.  One of the 3 quad moms (that I'm aware of in this group) is 18 weeks, lives in Idaho, and has to move out to Arizona after Christmas to get the best care for her babies.  The women in this group are all over the US, Canada, and the Uk, and there is much more positive feed than negative feed, but I can't shake the "what ifs."  Every time I stand up and lose my breath due to a sharp pain, I'm struck with fear.  All day yesterday I spent lying down because sitting or standing was almost unbearable with the pain radiating under my lower right rib- more fear.  If for some reason I go an hour without having to pee-silly, but more fear!  

   This past month I have had several answered prayers, our van sold(which will allow us to go without a car payment until we have to buy a bus!) I had my lead stylist become a shareholder in my company(allowing for more stability in the company while I'm away), and my husband's company is in the midst of growth as well.  Phil 4:6 tells me "do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God," scripture also says that "if you remain in me and I remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you" John 15:7.  So even though I know God wants me to enjoy, in His son's name, the blessings of answered prayers, and His peace, I still struggle with the fear of what could happen.  The haunting "what ifs." I am not all doom and gloom, I do have moments of joy and excitement, when I feel one kick, when I look at nursery decor, or when I see preemie onesies. Looking brings joy, purchasing brings fear!  I frustrate the crap out of myself!  

   I will continue to pray, laugh, cry, and grow(in all aspects of the word) and do my best to fully embrace the depth of my faith, and the love of my Savior!

17 weeks

two answered prayers