Today the hubs and I went for a tour of the NICU at one of the hospitals we might deliver at. Everyone was so kind and they answered all my questions and more. When we were walking around the unit, she(the Head of the department) was explaining what the machines and tubes were and how they functioned, and we saw the smallest little baby! He was born at 25 weeks!(mind you 24 weeks is viability). He is one week old now and from shoulder to shoulder he is the width of the narrow part of my forearm(no exaggeration)! Overwhelmed by the reality of it all, I began to cry. I tried to hold it back, but I'm a crier anyway and when you add pregnancy hormones(times them by 4) and then mix in a precious LITTLE baby, there was no stopping it. I started getting light headed and hot and had to ask to sit down. Once we settled into a room, the head Neonatologist came in to speak with us and answer any questions. We met for an hour and my brain could physically not store any more information. He assured us that once we were here and "in the flow" of things, that all would come together and make sense. He said right now we are speaking to the "what ifs" and that can go on for hours and may never apply, when the time comes he assured us that we would be involved in the conversations about the care of our babies. I took that as my cue to wrap it up! I wasn't offended, nor did I feel he wasn't taking our concerns seriously, after all we had been talking for over an hour. That... and our meeting had extended past lunch time and I was starving!!! All together it was a very informative day and I am thankful I had the opportunity to see and experience the NICU before our babies arrive. I am aware that nothing can fully prepare me for the emotions that I will go through when it's our little one's being cared for, but I am equally aware of the benefit of today's visit.
Last January we spent 10 days at Children's Healthcare when my 4 year old's appendix ruptured. It was unimaginable seeing my son in so much pain and being so sick. I only left his bedside once and that was to spend sometime with my other son at the Ronald McDonald House. My 4 year old came home on a PICC line and we had two, at home IV medications, that I had to administer twice daily, in a sanitary environment(I had to wear a mask, gloves, and sanitize the site before and after each dose). All that to say that the thought of machines and lines, etc isn't what troubles me, it's all the emotion and stress that goes along with not being able to physically help your child. My husband and I would argue daily over what we "heard" the doctors say. Interestingly, we were always together when we talked to the doctors, so hearing...or rather understanding what we heard differently became a source of frustration. I remember being on my knees beside the hospital bed(after my son had had a "down hill" day- those days resulted in the most amount of frustration between my husband and I) praying for my son, praying for my other son who was an hour away with family, and praying that God would protect our marriage in this stressful time. I prayed that the enemy would not be allowed to use this time as an "in" to mess with our marriage. Thankfully, all wounds(physical, emotional, and spiritual) healed and God has continued to bless our family.
Today when we returned from the NICU tour and I was telling my mom about what I didn't particularly "like" about the set up of the unit, my hubs kept interrupting me trying to explain why it was best that it was set up that way. I instantly became flooded with feelings of fear(we were both overwhelmed today, and left feeling emotional) this conversation sent me right back to a year ago and I got frustrated; I was already feeling so much pressure to do everything "right" to keep baking these babies for as long as possible, and now I wasn't being heard... I shut down. After a while I was able to coach my way out of my pitty party(using the skills I have developed in leading my team at work). Although my feelings were very real and maybe even justified, I had to break past the emotion and see the truth. My husband loves Jesus, he loves me and loves our children. He has always been the worrier in the family and he handles his stress and emotions COMPLETELY different than I do...and that's ok. I have to stay aware of those truths, because if not, I will get lost in the "easy fight." I pray that as this pregnancy progresses we communicate all that we are feeling openly and honestly and that we will let people help us when we need help. Being in a stressful situation and not sleeping on top of that will be no good for anyone involved!
Thanks for all who are following this journey and continue to pray for our family. We are so grateful for your kind words, donations, and offers of support. It truly takes a village!
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