A Teased Cotton Ball

     If this is the first time you are reading my journey there are two things you should know, one, you may want to start from the beginning and two, I keep it very honest! The good, the bad and the ugly.  The good is, of course, the babies, the bad is all the pain, and the ugly is...well the ugly is my hair!   Yes I own a salon, one filled with amazing, talented and generous people, so generous in fact that since I haven't been able to go into work much, a few have been kind enough to come to my home and do my hair and/or bring me the product needed so that I could do it myself.
                                                                        ~side bar~
   Those who do their color by themselves at home, must be double jointed!  I have the hardest time reaching all areas of my head(and I have a small head). My arms start going numb and then I only end up coloring the areas that you can see; however, I have been told that in reality I am only putting color on areas that I can see, because the back of my head never looks like the front!  and trying to give yourself a scalp massage in the shower, is just NOT the same, and that is my favorite part!

                                                                             ~  ~

   Doing my hair myself, however, is not the reason it looks ugly.  So many factors go into healthy shiny hair, and all those factors are being sucked out of me by my babies!  I have NO moisture left in my hair or skin.  My hair looks like a teased cotton ball! To be fair, I have always had hard hair, it is baby fine, curly and has seen it's fair share of processes(going blonde, brunette, red, back blonde, straightened...etc). When I first got pregnant I was an awesome shade of copper(think Black Widow from the Avengers) then as my body started growing, I became antsy with not being able to control the changes that were occurring, so I figured I would go back blonde and feel lovely once again(that is one thing I have noticed in the salon is that when someone comes in for a major change, there is usually a major life change taking place as well)!   When asked what I do for a living and I answer, people instinctively look at my hair(consciously or not) every single time, without fail, and the past weeks the reaction has been "oh...yeah?"  Rightfully so, with my hair lacking everything needed to be healthy going back blonde has proven quite a challenge, my texture was that of a teased cotton ball and the color was that of a canary's crotch!!!  Er go I have decided to go a few shades darker and not further embarrass myself or my talented team of salon professionals.
    I have been following the quad journey of the Gardner's.  Their first ultra sound picture with their shocked faces went viral and she just recently delivered four healthy baby girls.  The pictures that are posted on their Facebook page are absolutely lovely! She looks amazing, pregnant with four babies, she had a beautifully round belly, and even on hospital bed rest she had her hair and make-up done. (I  truly cannot even dislike her in the littlest bit, because she is an amazing lady who loves the Lord and is using her 15minutes of fame to educate on the struggles of infertility and the love of Jesus Christ!) I am in awe at how some people, with high order multiples, only change in their belly!  I no longer recognize my physical self!  My belly is no where close to perfectly round, it has weird bulges and the right side appears to be larger than the left( I suppose that is where they are all hanging out at the moment). My feet swell at night, even if I haven't been on them.  My skin is tight and itchy in most places and in other areas, that used to be tight,  now, dare I say...sag!  My nails are peeling and my hair struggles have already been mentioned.  My nose is constantly stopped up and my acid reflux should have it's own Twitter page!
     I am changing, and depending on the day, it could be more physical or more emotional changes. I am not going to pretend it has been easy or beautiful.  When someone comments "beautiful" on a belly picture that I have posted, I can't help but get teary because the majesty of growing four human lives is absolutely beautiful, but what the body goes through to do so is anything but!  I say that with a smile because I will gladly take all this on and more to get these babies to 32 weeks.  No amount of beauty or physical comfort compares to the love I have for my babies and my desire to keep them baking as long as possible!

~A heartfelt thank you to all those who have been praying for our family.  Your texts, emails, and phone calls help keep the days from feeling so long.  Those who have provided us with meals, diapers, wipes, baby clothes(new and used), and other needed items have truly been a blessing to our family.  The saying "it takes a village" rings true and I praise God for my amazing village!
 

The Little Things!

        Praise the Lord I survived my first and last Christmas being pregnant with quads!  My family was such a big help with multiple Christmas festivities held at my house that I ended up feeling better overall than I had prepared myself for!  The week before Christmas my 5 year old Campbell, came home from school with a 103 fever, later to find out he had the flu.  Praise the Lord again, that it was the respiratory flu and he only had the high fever the one day and then the remaining 5 days he just felt a little sluggish and had a cough.  I will take that over the stomach flu any day!!!  Christmas day, my 3 year old Jack got the croup!  Praise the Lord...again that we had an almost full prescription of Prednisone and were able to administer it right away!  His cough is much better; however, I do have to say a 3 year old on day 3 of steroids is a bit...much!  He is as emotional as a "pms"ing teen!  We made it through Christmas, had a wonderful time with family!  We were able to spend time with Matt's sister and her husband for the first time in over two years, we enjoy them and wish we were closer.

         My favorite part of this Holiday break, thus far, was Matt and I taking the boys to see the Marvel Universe Live show.  We did the whole shebang, $12 popcorn, $15 cotton candy, and they each got to pick a noisy light-up toy!  I spent more time watching their precious faces fill with glee than I did watching the show.  I hope to forever hide that memory in my heart and hope my boys do the same.  I became very aware of how rare days like that will become once the quads arrive.  As we ate dinner afterwords, I looked at Matt and said "do you realize we will never be able to sit in a booth again with all our children!" to which he responded "do you realize we won't be going out to eat...period!"  The little things we take for granted, going out to eat, sitting in a booth, all being able to fit in a normal sized car!!!!  Life as we know it is changing, thankfully, I have learned to embrace change, be it big or small.  In my company I have seen most my staff resist change(at some time or another), because it often leads to some unknown, and unknown leads to fear, and no one wants to run towards fear!  When we face a fear our natural reaction is to want recognition for doing so, whether we succeed or fail, we crave a high five or a "good try" pat on the back.  A few months back, I read a quote from V. Raymond Edman that has made an impression on me:

                                         "Father, where shall I work today?"
                                          And my love flowed warm and free.
                                          Then He pointed me out a tiny spot,
                                          And said, "Tend that for me."

                                          I answered quickly, "Oh, no, not that.
                                          Why, no one would ever see,
                                          No matter how well my work was done.
                                          Not that little place for me!"
                 
                                          And the word He spoke, it was not stern,
                                          He answered me tenderly,
                                          "Ah, little one, search that heart of thine;
                                          Art thou working for them or me?

                                          Nazareth was little place,
                                          And so was Galilee."

    When I found out I was pregnant with quadruplets, I had many a panic attacks.  I own a company, I was called to this position of leadership to grow and develop stylist, add value to their lives, and above all else, show them the love of Jesus Christ in an industry that is based on vanity!  It was my mission, it wasn't in a foreign country, it was in my own town, and believe you me, it lacked the light!  I humbly admit that God has worked more in me, in this process(of poking holes in the darkness) than I ever imagined possible.  Seeing little specs of light turn on in one of my team mates, even for a brief moment, has been immensely rewarding!  So again, when I learned of this unique pregnancy, I was confused.  There I was, "working for Him," in a public fashion for all to see, and now I would be having to step away?  I felt so lost, was this ever my "calling?" the salon was growing exponentially, surely He wasn't finished yet? how would I step back when this was my passion? but I prayed for a baby, and He had given me four! I didn't understand what I was supposed to do, how would this all work out?  I knew He had a plan, I just didn't know what it was!  When I read Mr. Edman's quote, God spoke tenderly to my heart and said "trust me! lean not on your understanding."  He was not removing me from my company, he was transforming my new role and that of others in my company.  I realized I can only take someone so far, I would have to relinquish "control" to Him so that He could guide her to reach her full potential.  I may have poked a hole in the darkness, but He was going to burst through it, as only He could!

     So even though I still have fears, and moments of panic, I am truly excited to tend whatever place He has for me!
                                     
                                     

#bakingbabies

        Long gone, but soon to return, are those days where I am too busy to think!  Being on bed rest has given my brain time to re-coup and plan for all the things coming up! Not much else to do but think, which also gave me motivation to rest and heal, because too much time to think is never a good thing!  I was scanned by my ob twice this week and she determined that the babies don't appear to be in any trouble, so I will gladly take the physical pain my body must endure to keep growing these babies.
      A little insight in to the pain I'm referring to, while I was at the doctor, laying down flat getting scanned, I started having trouble breathing(not too uncommon, because your vena cava(the vein that returns blood back to the heart from your lower body)  can be "squished" by the baby(s), while in this position.)  When she went to help me sit, she offered me her hand to help pull me back up; however, she offered no resistance (similar feeling to when you shake someone's hand and they let it rest limply in your grasped hand...gives me the heebie jeebies) and when I sat myself up I experienced the most excruciating spasm.  I can closely relate it to a Charlie Horse(a calf cramp) that you experience in the middle of the night, except times that pain by three and imagine it in your uterus!  I was screaming, and crying trying to lift my belly to get some relief.  She was trying to help lift and kept telling me I needed to breath, I was hyperventilating and she was trying to keep me from passing out.  Several minutes later the spasm calmed and I was able to regain my composure.  I looked at her through tear filled eyes and asked "WHAT WAS THAT? I can't do that again!" She said it was most likely caused by me laying flat and her pushing on my uterus(for the ultrasound) for so long.  I asked if it could be related to scar tissue from my previous c-sections or if it was muscles stretching.  She said it could be one or both and I could probably add in some nerve strain as well.  I pray I never have another spasm like that for the remainder of this pregnancy, especially if I am alone or in the car!  She was not concerned with it happening again without it being triggered(by the laying flat and the uterus pushing). She was, however, concerned that the "right upper quadrant" pain I had told her about at the beginning of the appointment could be related to my gallbladder and sent me in for an ultra sound of that organ.  The gallbladder ultra sound was the following day and thankfully no spasm!  I did however struggle to make it to my 10:20am appointment; I was not allowed to eat or drink since midnight the night before(cruel for anyone, torture for a pregnant woman, and just plain wrong for a pregnant woman with multiples.)  I felt like the babies were sucking every bit of moisture from my skin and nourishment from my organs.  I felt like pregnant Bella from the Twilight movie Breaking Dawn Part 1(google it).  I did not, under any means, look like her, but I felt how she looked.   I will get the gallbladder results Monday.
      In the mean time, I have been switched from bed rest to "modified activity."  My goal is to get what I can get done before 12pm and rest the remaining part of the day.  I have placed a stool in our laundry room so I can sit while switching the clothes over, Campbell and Jack have been helping feed the animals and handing me dishes from the bottom rack of the dish washer.  Jack was a trooper the other day helping me to put my socks and shoes on.  I am trying to think of a way to install railing all through my house and in the bathroom so I can pull myself up from a seated position.  Currently I have to spread my feet wide(imagine a sumo wrestler) and then push myself up using my legs.  Good thing I took on the 1000 squat challenge before I got pregnant!
         I am amazed at how much my stomach has grown this past week, my center of gravity has definitely been thrown off.  I can see the day when I have to wear the bright yellow hospital band that reads FALL RISK!  I jokingly talk about how I need a Segway(the motorized, stand up transportation system); however, now with my belly being so large I realize I will never be able to stop the S
egway.  The movement is controlled by balance(lean forward-move forward, lean back to stop) I could be standing up straight yet still "leaning" forward.  I will, on the other hand, start utilizing the motorized carts at the grocery store, and will most likely be needing a shopping buddy to walk a cart along with me.  This pregnancy has definitely shown me the need to throw all pride out the window, and accept any and all forms of help when offered.

how I look vs how I feel 

        As a part of my "high order multiples support group" I have been introduced to a website that is geared towards organizing help.  whatfriendsdo.com  my sister has been so kind to coordinate my team.  Some moms who have used it were so thankful that they did not have to try and figure out who needed to do what and who needed to go where, etc. Friends would constantly say "let me know if I can help,"  but when the moms were in the NICU they could hardly think straight. Having their "team" in place, eliminated all the stress of organization.  I am fully aware of how busy life is and am so blessed for even a simple text to let me know you are praying for me and my family, it lifts my spirits and re-energizes me to stay focused on what is important...baking these babies!! Especially when it feels like they could burst out of my belly button at any moment.  I am as big at 18 weeks as I was full term with my singleton pregnancies.  I asked the doctor if my body is responding to the babies' gestational age or the size of my uterus, to which she responded "both."  No wonder I am physically, mentally, and emotionally all over the place.  My body can't decide how to function.

   

if you would like to join my team of support you can visit this site and click Find a Team, enter my name, and join!  

 

Punch You in the Face Pain

  Calling my OB is always a dreaded experience.  I wish I knew how to determine the cause of my sharp pains, moderate-drawn out-aches, and my holy moly-"punch you in the face if you touch my belly" pains, but I don't. I did not go to medical school,  I do not have a career in obstetrics, I do not, nor have I ever, studied the ins and outs of a high order multiple pregnancy; er go I am left no choice but to call the one who has done all the above mentioned, when I am experiencing agony!  I went in yesterday to get "checked out" and after a quick heartbeat check ultra sound and a cervix check(fun), I was told that because the babies are not to 24 weeks yet and are not viable outside of the womb, there was no point in monitoring my contractions and that I should be on bed rest for the next three days.

 ~~ warning!!!venting about to occur~~

  I understand that my babies are not able to live outside the womb at this point, but they are still living inside, and they are my babies!  When you make me feel that my babies(no matter what "gestational age" they are) are not significant enough for you to care about, I very easily might PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!  I am aware they are not to 24 weeks, but geez, I still need to get to 24 weeks, and would appreciate a bit of compassion in doing so. Maybe in all those years of study, a few sensitivity classes should have been a part of the curriculum!

  I feel so lost at times, because non of my team of health care professionals, have ever dealt with quads before.  I'm sure the thought process is that it should be viewed and treated like a triplet pregnancy, but as they have contradicted themselves before, another baby increases the problems and pains and decreases the amount of baby living space and baking time!
  What does bed rest look like?  Only getting up to go to the bathroom, which is still often since I am still drinking a gallon of water a day.  I am very thankful my dad is able to be here today and help with Jack. Thinking "oh I can just get up, real quick, and make a sandwich, or change over the clothes, or load the dishwasher, etc." is not allowed, and truthfully, not possible!  Just getting up to go to the bathroom is painful and raises my heart rate! I want to be able to do more for my family, these babies, and my company, but I know that "more" is not possible.  Letting go of my "illusion of control" is never easy!  I will, despite how hard it is, do nothing, and in doing so, give my babies the best chance to thrive! 32 weeks, here we come!!

I should find comfort that even my Heavenly Father rested after all the creating He had done!







 

the "What Ifs"

 

I can't believe we are having three boys and 1 girl!!! Our children will consist of 5 boys and 1 girl, she will be surrounded by trucks, robots, and tools, but I know she will be well protected! 

  As I approach week 18, I am full of varied emotions. I only have 6 weeks until our first goal, viability! and as exciting as that is, I'm also struck with fear and an immense amount of pressure(and not just in my uterus).  I know that I do not have the ultimate say so in the timing of these babies, but I also know that I have to do everything I possibly can to bake these babies for 32 weeks.   I have joined a mommies of high multiples support group, and I have learned some important information, like what "lightening crotch," "pirate leg," and "toilet yoga" are.  I would define those for you, but this is a PG rated blog!  Since I have joined, the week before Thanksgiving, I have shed tears with four women that have lost 1 or all of their babies before they reached 26 weeks.  One woman was 19 weeks, went into the doctor for a little spotting and two days later, lost all three of her babies and almost her own life when she lost over 6liters of blood, due to a placental abruption.  One of the 3 quad moms (that I'm aware of in this group) is 18 weeks, lives in Idaho, and has to move out to Arizona after Christmas to get the best care for her babies.  The women in this group are all over the US, Canada, and the Uk, and there is much more positive feed than negative feed, but I can't shake the "what ifs."  Every time I stand up and lose my breath due to a sharp pain, I'm struck with fear.  All day yesterday I spent lying down because sitting or standing was almost unbearable with the pain radiating under my lower right rib- more fear.  If for some reason I go an hour without having to pee-silly, but more fear!  

   This past month I have had several answered prayers, our van sold(which will allow us to go without a car payment until we have to buy a bus!) I had my lead stylist become a shareholder in my company(allowing for more stability in the company while I'm away), and my husband's company is in the midst of growth as well.  Phil 4:6 tells me "do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God," scripture also says that "if you remain in me and I remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you" John 15:7.  So even though I know God wants me to enjoy, in His son's name, the blessings of answered prayers, and His peace, I still struggle with the fear of what could happen.  The haunting "what ifs." I am not all doom and gloom, I do have moments of joy and excitement, when I feel one kick, when I look at nursery decor, or when I see preemie onesies. Looking brings joy, purchasing brings fear!  I frustrate the crap out of myself!  

   I will continue to pray, laugh, cry, and grow(in all aspects of the word) and do my best to fully embrace the depth of my faith, and the love of my Savior!

17 weeks

two answered prayers

and the genders are...

    My appointment with Dr. Rosmond today went well; I was his first appointment of the day, which resulted in NO waiting!  That is a big hallelujah!   The tech always comes in first to scan and take notes before Rosmond comes in.  She, like my regular OB, also had trouble determining which baby she was looking at. The slightest flick in her wrist and the view goes from one baby's profile to three babies' heads. The membrane that separates them is thinner than that of a latex balloon yet it's practically unbreakable(God amazes me!).  Once she was able to get her bearings, she began the tedious work of measuring and monitoring all aspects of the babies, from their structure to their organs to the fluid around them.  She was sure on the gender of three of baby A, B, and D, but baby C was being a stinker!  She voiced her opinion on what she thought it was, but wanted to see what Rosmond would determine it to be.

Baby A- you can see the hand right by the face

three babies in one view

    Dr. Rosmond came in said his brief "how you do's" and then began scanning.  I am always so nervous when he scans, because he does it in complete silence!  I am afraid to breath too loudly!  He let out big sigh, leaned back in his chair, shook his head back and forth and started rubbing his chin.  I about passed right out!  My mind was spinning with the possibilities of what bad news he was about to tell me, I could feel the blood drain from my face!  Then he sighed again and said "I am so happy with how they are all looking, I just can't believe it!" I sat confused for a moment and then replied, "I'm so happy you are so happy!" He then talked about how well each baby was growing and from everything he was able to see, there were no causes for concern, and to keep doing what I was doing.  He asked if I had any concerns, to which I replied the amount of pain I am in at the end of the day.  I asked if they would be moving up soon, to give me some relief.  He said that they would be moving, but it would be them getting bigger and that is going to bring on a whole new spectrum of pain, so the pain would change, but not get better.   AWESOME!   He then asked me what he had told me at my last visit regarding their genders.  At that time he though it was two and two, but he was mistaken!

Baby B's legs and foot

baby C

baby D- you can see how it's legs come up and over it's body!

Let the Husband Tinker

      There are times in your life when you make plans, there are times when your plans "go out the window," then there are times when you plan to have one baby and God gives you four!  Ok, so maybe you have not experience the 4 baby plan change, but take it from me, it is so far out the window, you can't even see the plan with a telescope! As the babies are growing... and I am growing, the simplest tasks are met with dramatic resistance, taking a shower, walking to the mailbox, even getting dressed looks like improv Yoga!  I was thinking that I wouldn't have to do weekly meal prep until after the babies were born, but that is not going to be the case!  I am having such a hard time standing at then end of the day and making dinner takes forever because it is constantly interrupted with couch...and bathroom breaks!  Usually I save the "easy"dinners(popcorn chicken, noodles and sauce, hot dogs(not proud)) for the end of the week when we have enjoyed at least three days of delightful home cookin', but not this week!  I was so looking forward to the pork loin, asparagus, and rice that I had planned for tonight, but I just couldn't make it happen.  Matt gets home too late to wait on him to cook dinner, so now I have to adjust my plan of attack!  Sunday will have to = weeks worth o' meal making day...Matt will need some convincing, Sunday after church is his time to tinker!!! He spent hours Sunday making a cat house for Moses...that's right, hours on a cat house and it's still not finished.
     It has never worked in my benefit to take "tinker time" away from the hubs.  Before we got married, he was legitimately struggling with OCD. So much so, he would lock and shake door knobs three time, beep his car lock three times and walk to the back to check the trunk, and I won't even get into his teeth brushing routine!  But since we have gotten married and had kids, he has done well to let those things go...all but the teeth brushing routine!  It has been my observation that since he no longer has daily OCD fits, he needs his weekly tinker time, so I will have to approach the subject gently... on second thought, I'll just choose to save my marriage and ask my dad to come help me cook!
    
    
    

  

Symptoms and Circumstance

     The past few days I have been super tired!  Not just tired, but so tired that when I was putting on my eyeliner to go to church this morning, I fell asleep!  When there was a long pause in prayer at church, I had to pray to stay alert, and then I had to finish out the remainder of the prayer with my eyes open!  It's not just tired...it's bordering on narcolepsy!  Supposedly, the fatigue gets better in the second trimester, I guess those statistics never included a quad mama!  Maybe the increase in fatigue is due to my decrease in sleep after 4am.  I am not sure how the babies have already gotten on a schedule, but every morning right at 4 or shortly after I have to get up to use the bathroom, then when I am trying to go back to sleep the babies start moving all around.  I have to learn to come to terms with my uterus being a 4am pin ball machine!
      I have, however, learned that tums, much like Tylenol, are truly just made of water!  Neither have any medicinal affect to them, they act as placebo's to convince the mind that you have taken medicine.  I am more pleased with the outcome of my Pepcid AC.  
      ~~~~No lie, as I started this tums conversation, I vurped so badly it made my eyes water!  Having Scholtzky's re-surface 3 hours after you have consumed it, is just wrong!  My throat was on fire and I couldn't stop coughing, and as you pregnant ladies know sometimes when you get coughing or laughing too hard, you can expect a little tinkle to come out!(for those who have yet to have kids, just a little heads up).  It is quite amazing the drama that can unfold within seconds; anyway, after I tended myself I took one of my Pepcids and decided that I needed to give that medicine the credit it deserves!~~~~
      Another circumstance I am actually happy to come to terms with is needing a seat in my shower.  I was getting worn slap out taking a shower!  As soon as I would get finished I would have to go lie down!  My sweet husband took the boys to Home Depot yesterday so I could rest and he came back with an adjustable shower stool and a new shower head that has a detachable hose!  Good man he is!
     
    I head to my peri(aka perinatologist ~aka high risk doc~ aka Dr. Rosmond) on Tuesday.  Hopefully this appointment will be less stinky and more productive!  The gender suspense is killing me!  More to come...

Such a Magical Time

   I went in for my regular OB check up this morning at 10:30am, at 11am I was brought back to a "non-usable" patient room where I sat and waited for an ultra-sound room to open up.  It was 11:28am when I was taken back to the ultrasound room where I would wait another 15minutes for my doctor to come in.  Now, I understand having to wait at a doctor's office, hence why I no longer arrive earlier than my scheduled time.  Why would I want to tac on more time to my waiting?  I even run a service based company where "unforeseen" occurrences happen thus resulting in the service provider running behind!  So the waiting... I get.  What I don't get is having a mother who is not only pregnant, but pregnant with quadruplets wait for an hour and thirteen minutes!  Do they not realize how many times I have to get up to go to the bathroom in an hour and thirteen minutes?  or how many times I have to change positions and even the chairs that i'm sitting in?  I am so uncomfortable all the time recently, and I'm only 16weeks! I dread my future appointments where I will be even bigger than I am now!
    The worst part, however, about this whole visit today was the fact that I just happened to be following a family of three smokers into each room I went in!  Anyone who knows me well or works with me knows that I have a hound dog nose, and when I'm pregnant it is a hound dog nose on steroids!!!  My smokers at work know, it is not a "judgement" thing, but if you chose to smoke, then you must linger (preferably while spinning) outside for a few minutes before coming back inside where you must wash your hands, spritz "smell good" stuff and pop some gum!  It's not a judgement thing, it's a smell thing! I don't judge those who pass gas, and we ALL do that! But if I hear it happen I don't have to stand there and take deep breaths, I can walk away! Not a judgement thing, a smell thing! My biggest gag reflex this pregnancy has been smell! Except for the brief "meat- aversion" period where I literally opened a package of ground beef to cook, gaged so hard, I just panicked and threw it away! (not my finest hour, as that was supposed to be our dinner!) But other than that, biggest trigger has been and is smell.  When we(my mom was with me) got back to the second room I would wait in, the same room the smokers had just vacated, I left the door open and searched my purse for some "smell good" lotion.  I proceeded to apply the lotion to my hands and arms(not throughly emulsifying it into the skin) and wave my arms frantically through the air in hopes to create my own air freshener system!  It is not the "best" but works nicely when in a bind!  When we got back to the ultrasound room, again just happened to be the one the smokers recently vacated, the nurse saw me crinkle my face and gag so she kindly brought back some Febreeze! we still left the door open until my doctor came in for air circulation purposes!
   The actual appointment that involved the checking of the babies went well!  They all looked great and had good heartbeats.  It is getting harder and harder to tell which baby we are looking at.  They are all squished on top of each other with only a thin membrane to separate them. My mom kept asking, "wait, is that the same baby we just looked at?"  It also doesn't help the confusion that the slightest shift of the wrist alters the view and often results in the Doctor starting over!  There are still four babies with four good heartbeats, so that's what is wonderful!  What is not so wonderful is that these four babies are not co-operating with revealing their gender!  There has been a confirmed boy sighting by both my high-risk doctor and by my regular ob; however, neither they nor I know if they are seeing that same "original" boy or if this is a different baby!  They have also both said, while looking at a baby, this one looks like it could be a girl (but not as convincing as the boy sighting).  I'm still giddy with the "could be a girl!"  The bigger the babies get, the less room they have to move reducing my chance of gettingt a good "in between the legs shot." Hopefully with Dr. Rosmond(high-risk doc) next week, he will be able to manipulate his fancy equipment to get a better view!
   After my appointment I headed back to work and pulled into Chic-fil-a, after 12pm, to grab some lunch.  I tell you it was after 12, because if I can wait until 11am to eat lunch, that is a HUGE accomplishment!  So as you can imagine, I was starving.  In the drive through line there was one guy with his hand held taking orders and swiping cards and then an employee with no hand held came and stood by my window with his hands in his pockets.  I was very confused, how was he planning to take my order?  But I rolled down my window and when asked, told him what I would like for lunch. I specified that I wanted the value size fry (at Chic-fil-a it's the biggest fry, and it comes in a red box).  My heart starting racing as he yelled my order the guy in front of him(with the hand held) and he only said large fry!  Again, I started to panic.  There I sat slowing creeping through the line, starving! My mouth was filling with saliva and my cheeks filled with heat. "What if the fry wasn't big enough?!"  When I finally got to the window, I panicked and yelled for them to please add a small fry!  With a sigh of relief, I awaited my order.  I did in fact get the "red box" ff and a small ff, and I did in fact eat them all...along with my sandwich!
    I apologize in advance for this quad momma's mood, smell, or hunger attacks.  I cannot, despite my best efforts, control my actions, facial expressions, or vocal vomiting during any or all of the above mentioned attacks.   I also experience random "lightening pain" that strikes anywhere from the front of my belly, to the side, and down to the crotch due to what the doctor called"exponential growth pains."  I cannot control my response to those attacks either...such a magical time;)

weeks 11,12, & 13

weeks 14 & 15

  

what I feel like!!!

 

Thankful

   Preparing for Thanksgiving I realized just how much I have to be thankful for.  My last post included a lot of the fear and trepidation that has accompanied this pregnancy; however, there is so much joy too!  I have received an outpouring of love and support from not only family and friends but also those who have been following this blog.  I truly appreciate the prayers, positive and kind words and the offers for future help (which I will be taking you up on!).  I am amazed every time I look back at these ultra sound photos.  I have four babies growing inside of me!  I am able to feel them move now, which is completely different from my singleton pregnancies, and has me going to the bathroom 4 times as much(also because I have to drink over a gallon of water a day!), but I can't help but smile.  And then I tell them to be careful and not kick each other in the head, they have enough odds against them, without in-womb sibling combat!

  I have been so pre-occupied with what "could" happen that I am losing focus on what is happening and that is a blessed pregnancy.  Sure I have constant liquid magma rising up from my chest into my throat, and vurping has replaced normal burping, and after 3pm everyday it feels like a 20lb weight has been placed on my bladder, and my arms are constantly falling asleep, which is about the only part of me that sleeps at night, but I will take it!

  At 15 weeks now I only have 9 more to go to reach our first goal of 24 weeks(which is viability) each week after that is fist-bump worthy until we make 28 weeks(typical birth period for quads).  At 30 weeks you would catch me doing "the Carlton"(a beloved dance from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)-granted I probably will be having trouble standing at that point, but I will absolutely be doing the Carlton in my head! Our ultimate goal is 32 weeks, it provides much better health for the babies without putting my uterus at risk for rupture!

  I am beyond thankful for my sweet husband, even though I have to veto all his name choices.

        ~ ~brief side note~  in all seriousness he came to me and said "I have the perfect boy name, and I want you to take me seriously, because I really do like this name."  I am at a loss for boy names considering I used my two favorite names on the boys we already have, so I smiled and listened.  "Cal-el" he said with a huge grin on his face.  Now for those of you who are trying to defend my sweet hubs, let me explain, Cal-el is the name of Superman while he was on Krypton!  Not Clarke or even Kent, no no, Cal-el. With my head tilted to one side(like that of a confused puppy) I smiled and said VETO! ~ ~

I am thankful for Campbell and Jack, who have been so sweet about their "four childrens" growing in my belly. Campbell likes to look on Pinterest with me at baby stuff and tell me what we will need.  Jack likes to talk to the babies and pat the top part of my belly(where Baby D lives) and tell him or her "Baby D, when you come out...you get to have some miiiiilk! and I teach you hide and seek."  We are already adjusting different areas of the house to prepare for the quads, since in the not to distant future I won't be able to see my toes, let alone move stuff around!  The boys have been so good about changing things up, they are so excited for their babies!  I pray that excitement continues in the weeks to come and when we have four babies crying at one time!

Baby A

 

Babies B and C

Baby B sucking his or her thumb

Baby D

Wide-Awake Aware

   Under the advice of my doctors, I was seeking guidance by researching quadruplet pregnancies, multiples pregnancy, super twins, etc.  Two things I learned.  1: there are not many folks out there with quadruplet stories and 2: the internet is full of discouraging information! The few stories that I could bear to read through, had the moms on some form of bedrest (either home, or hospital) before they reached 20 weeks.  One set of babies born at 27 weeks spent 83 days in the NICU! 83 DAYS!  There were stories of pre-eclampsia, ripping of the uterus wall due to previous c-sections, blood clots due to the bed rest, shots of steroids to help develop the babies lungs at 20ish weeks, shots that cease contractions, sewing the cervix shut to help prevent "funneling" and so on.  Then there was, not being able to hold their babies do to all the tubes and monitors, babies struggling to maintain a proper body temperature, etc.  I closed, and by closed I mean slammed (don't tell my hubs) the lap top shut. I went immediately to laying on my left side with my feet propped up(best position to encourage proper fetal growth).

  The next few days I was in a wide-eyed state of shock.  I kept replaying when Campbell was born via c-section and the nurse wanted to take him to get cleaned up while I was being "re-attached." I lost my mind...this "WOMAN" wanted to take MY baby away from me.  I could have spun my head around and spewed pea soup(image from The Exorcist, for those who I just confused).  Now I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that it could be days before I get to hold my babies after they are born.  I know it is for absolute best, but it still doesn't make it easy.

  I frantically searched for quad stories where the babies make it to 32 weeks(typical(if you can even use that word in this situation) is 27/28 weeks). I finally found a story where quads made it to 32 weeks with only 7 weeks in the NICU.  She was able to hold one of her babies within 12hrs and was able to feed her within 24 hrs.  That was the moment I experienced my first sigh of relief.  I recently heard a wonderful quote "comparison is the thief of joy."  I was engulfed in the reality of that statement.  I was becoming, what I like to call "wide-awake aware," to the fact that knowing with your mind does not always translate to believing with your heart.  I would find myself exactly where I needed to be...in the loving arms of Jesus, the one who brings peace beyond understanding; because even though the fears still creep in, and the various possible realities sometimes take my breath away, I now have a peace.

A Fourth Heart Beats

The eight week appointment shocked the doctor's once again.  Baby D made itself known!  A fourth heart beat and was measuring the same as the others.  A feeling of joy came over me, that was followed by more shaking!  (warning: do not be alarmed by the shaking that I may mention at each ultra sound, I have comes to terms with it and so should you ;)  it still takes my breath away every time I see four babies).  The doctor then was sure enough to go ahead and schedule my appointment with Dr. Rosmond (the perinatologist aka "high risk" doctor).

I would continue to have scans every week.  My doctors warned of how much "uncomfortable" growth I would experience once I started my second trimester, so I should enjoy how well I had been feeling.  I had been feeling well. Besides gaging every morning (especially when I would take Campbell to school- Jack would ask "Mommy, why you go aaaah?") and randomly through out the day when I encountered odd smells, I was doing well.  

I apologize for bizarre facial expressions and the one picture in my underwear!

My first appointment with Dr. Rosmond left him literally scratching his head.  I take back the "literally" because he was literally rubbing it, but you get what I mean.  He hadn't seen quads in over twenty five years!  I had already been told my doctor's office had never done quads, that St. Mary's had never delivered quads and now the only high risk doctor in town said he hadn't seen quads in over 25 years!  You bet the shaking was back! Heat flooded my cheeks and burned my ears, my vision became speckled, looking at my doctor as he looked at me in amazement rubbing his forehead, brought about panic!  How am I not supposed to be nervous when he looks nervous?  Luckily after sitting in silence for a few minutes(seemed like 30) he asked me if I would want to do selective reduction, which would be reducing(still makes me cringe) the babies from 4 to 2 to improve my chances of carrying healthy babies to a healthy term.  As soon as the question was asked, I responded with no thank you, I will not be doing that.  He continued to explain his reasoning for doing the selective reduction.  He did interrupt himself to tell me he had heard my answer but was going to finish his reasoning anyway. I sat with clinched fists buried between my knees and let him finish.  I smiled with closed lips and said no thank you... I AM NOT INTERESTED!  He looked at me, looked at the screen and then back at me. "Well, you are in great shape, you don't have a terrible pregnancy history, and what a woman's body can go through never ceases to amaze me.  Ok, I will see you back here in three weeks. Good luck"

4 fraternal super twins! All measuring equally!  

I left that appointment saying to myself "We can do four, We can do four!"

I Can Do Three!

The weeks that followed were filled with doctor's appointments and more fear.  Every time I went in for a scan, the heat would rise up my throat, fill my cheeks, and burn my already ringing ears.  As the ultra sound began, so did the shaking.  Flashes of the one I lost burned in my memory.  Recalling seeing the baby on the screen, but this time without a heartbeat, brought tears to my eyes.  Thankfully I was jolted out of my memory with Doctor McPherson's encouraging tone "all four sacs are developing and the yolk sacs look great as well.  How are you doing with all this?"
Through a smile, I wished was genuine, I replied I was doing ok and was just feeling overwhelmed.  She smiled and nodded to suggest she understood.  I asked what I could expect with a quad pregnancy and she said she didn't know, and that I should find a good book on what to expect with "super twins" (anything higher than two).   As you can imagine I needed wisdom, understanding...or even a hug and instead received a book recommendation...

The ulra sounds to follow went about the same.  It wasn't until my week 7 appointment that I got a curve ball.  I saw another doctor in the practice and she was able to see three developing babies, and hear two heartbeats.  Baby D however, was a no show.  From what she could tell, baby D would not develop further than a yolk sac, but the triplets looked promising.  By this appointment I had expected bad news for so long, that I was not at all surprised when I received it.  In fact, I had a feeling of relief...it made more sense to have three, more support was out there for three, we wouldn't have to sell our van, we could make triplets work...I could do three!!

The five days to follow before my week 8 appointment were lighter...physically and emotionally I just felt lighter!  After all, I could do three. It wasn't until two days before my appointment that God spoke to me(I am almost positive He had been speaking before, but now was when I listened).  I had started to feel sad over the loss of baby D.  God spoke to my heart and said "beloved, why would I give you something that YOU can do without ME? You may only be able to do three, but WE can do four!" It was as if the words were spoken and not just into my heart.  My guarded heart melted like an M&M does in your mouth.  I cried, and then prayed!

There are FOUR

I still didn't have the words to tell my husband, I knew he would be home soon.  My brother, Brian, had just arrived for me to give him a haircut on my back porch.  If you are a female, you most likely have experienced the "therapy-like"  conversations that occur between stylist and client.  Something about that cape, chair and bond allow people the comfort to reveal their life stories...well this time it was flipped. The minute I starting cutting his hair I blurted out "there are four." He nodded his head in agreement and then stopped and said "wait...what? OH MY GOD!" He then proceeded to ask me what I was going to do, and asked if I had told Matt yet.  I told him I didn't know what to do, I'd never had four babies before! and that I had no idea what to tell Matt, but I needed to decide quickly, because he was on his way home.

Finishing up the haircut, I walked into the kitchen and in walks the Hubs.  My heart was in my throat, I couldn't even look at him in the face.  He loved on our boys, kissed my cheek and asked what was for dinner.  I told him it was in the microwave.  He set the timer and in walked my brother. He asked if he should leave or did I want him to stay for emotional support.  Matt then looked at me and said "it's twins isn't it?!"  I walked across the kitchen and picked up the ultra sound photo.  "There are four!"   He turned and stared into the microwave. Campbell clapped his hands and said "we are going to have four childrens?"  Brian gave Matt a "man hug" and said he would give us some time.  Matt continued to stare into the microwave, even after his food had beeped.  I waited a few minutes and then said I would be in the living room if he had any questions.  I grabbed a load of clothes and sat on the couch beginning to fold them as Matt ate his dinner...in complete silence! My mind was racing all over the place, I could not think of a single sentence to say that would calm him, I could hardly calm myself.  I finally blurted out "i'm not having a party over here, i'm freaking out too". Then I began to cry "you could ask me how I feel!"

---just a brief fyi--- If you find out you are having unplanned quads, and you know your husband was already worrying over the finances of adding just one baby, crying about him not asking how you were feeling is not a positive opening to clear communication---

To be honest, I have no recollection of how our night went after that.  I do remember the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and amazed that I already loved each of my four developing babies.  I knew that if God led us to it, He would lead us through it; however, that sentiment would need to be refreshed within the upcoming weeks!

The Ultra Sound

    Knowing my hcg levels were high, I sat on the paper sheet on top of the table in my lovely paper dress, about to be torn apart by my rapid pounding heart.  I was so nervous thinking it could be twins!   I had a few moments of panic, wondering how is it possible for two babies to grow inside one womb!  I felt stretched to the max with my singleton pregnancies; however, if twins were God's plan, who am I to stand in His way!

   The doctor came and began the ultra sound(unfortunately not being far along, we had to use "the wand" instead of the over the belly transmitter). Right of the bat we saw two sacs side by side!  Even though I was expecting it, it still took my breath away!  She then wanted to look at the rest of my uterus and ovaries and such.  She moved the wand to the left and I screamed "what was that" she paused with wide eyes and said "that would be a third sac!"  My heart began to pound even harder, I was sure she could hear it.  She was just about to pull the wand out when to do so she moved it all the way to the left and... I screamed "ok, well what is that?!!!!"  and she said"hold on one second".  She let go of the wand, opened the door and yelled for the other doctor to come over.  I don't think I was breathing at all at this point.  I just kept saying "who has four babies? people have four babies?" She continued to scan and count the sacs...all four of them. A few minutes later the other doctor came in. 

  "I am counting multiple sacs, and just want to have you count as well, to make sure I am not double counting the same sac." Dr Halbach said with labored breathing.

As the doctors began to count four sacs together and then recounted four sacs, they confirmed that I did indeed had four sacs!  To which I responded "who has four babies?"

  She said "people do have four babies, just never anyone in this office, or in all the years I have been practicing." 

 She helped me sit up, since I was feeling...dizzy(to say the least). I was spinning with emotion! She said I could get dressed and then meet her in her office for further discussion.  I have never had such a hard time getting dressed before, I could hardly steady myself or my vision.  I kept glancing at the image she had printed for me.  "Who has four babies?"

 In the time it took me to finally get dressed and get to her office she was reviewing the scans of my ovaries before the insemination.  She was floored!  She said that she could only see two good eggs with a once in a blue moon shot at a third even being developed enough to release.  

 I proceeded to ask her, in a panic,  if she would tell my husband!   "How in the world do I tell him we are having...or do I tell him we are having...what do I tell him? Do you offer counseling or financial help?  Oh my gosh, what am I going to say?

She said I should tell Matt that there are in fact four sacs, and that I would come back for weekly scans to see how they progress.  She continued to explain how rare quads are, especially with only one round of Clomid and an IUI. In her opinion the development of four babies was not likely.

As I left her office, every nurse stared at me with excited smiles.  The one nurse who is always so kind to me stopped me and asked me if I was ok.  Then she congratulated me and shared how the whole office was excited for their first case of quads.  Apparently when a doctor opens the door screaming for another doctor in the middle of a scan, news travels fast!

I got into my car and knew I should call Matt, but could not form a sentence, so instead I called my mentor, dear friend, and neighbor Jennifer.  She had been praying over this process from the beginning.  All I could manage to say was "There are four!" 

To which she responded "four what"

"Babies...four babies, she saw four babies, who has four babies? Do you want one? How do I tell Matt there are four babies?" I word vomited.  

She graciously interrupted me with "Julie, it's going to be ok.  We will pray, It's going to be ok.  Can you drive?"

I went to work in a haze trying to figure out how I would tell my husband, who is a worrier (to say the least) that there are four babies?  I thought after all day of work, I would have figured out the perfect way to tell him... well that wasn't the case!

A Positive Test with a Side of Salt!

After the insemination, I was told to wait two weeks before taking a pregnancy test, to be sure the hormone shot they gave me was completely out of my system, for it can result in a false positive. I made it a week a in 2 days!  I figured if I went ahead and tested and it was negative, than I would not be pregnant; however, if it was positive, I could eagerly await the remaining 5 days before testing again.  Testing early with a positive result, as you can imagine, actually made the remaining 5 days torture!  But all good things come to those who wait...  My 5 days ended on a Friday and my test was positive!  9am(when my doctor's office opened) could not come soon enough.  They asked me to go ahead and come in that morning and get my blood drawn to test my hcg levels(the "proof of baby" hormone(my definition, not the medical definition)).  Later that afternoon I got the phone call that my results were good and that I was in fact pregnant.  I asked if she was sure that it wasn't skewed by my hormone shot 2 weeks prior.  She said not at all!  I was so excited and asked again "so my levels are clear to you that I am pregnant?"  she responded in a chuckle type manner "ooooh yes! they are over 1200!"  We scheduled my first ultrasound for two weeks from Monday. I thanked her for her time and went about my day, but the way she responded seemed bizarre to me, so naturally I googled hcg levels in pregnancy. I was so confused when I read that 3 weeks from conception hcg level range is from 2-112!  WHAT?!  Did I hear her wrong? That was my first indication that we MIGHT be having twins...

I was craving everything salty!  I do not like salt and vinegar chips, but purchased and ate a whole bag in one day!!  I ate a whole jar of pickles that weekend as well.  The old wives tale is that if you crave salt while pregnant you are having a boy; although this was true in my pregnancy with my first son, it was not the case with my second!  As much as I would love to have a little girl, I didn't care what the sex was, I was just so very grateful for this pregnancy.   I was immersing myself in Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  The pain and reality of my miscarriage was equally as present.  I was beginning to guard my heart and prepare for disappointment.


Monday September 22nd 2014 I had an ultrasound that would shake me to my core...

A Brief Welcome

Welcome to our family of four's journey to becoming a family of eight!  We are the Kirkland's, my husband is Matt, my boys Campbell(5) and Jack(3), and I am Julianne.  Warning:  I am not a writer!  I am a believer, a wife, a mother, and a business owner, so forgive misspellings and grammatical errors...sorry mom(English teacher)!  This blog is about our journey of anticipating quadruplets-the good, the bad, the cute and the crazy! ;)

Back in August of this year, I went through some testing to try and figure out why, after my miscarriage in January, I had not been able to get pregnant.  Turns out I have PCOS(poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and my egg supply wasn't looking like that of a healthy 29 year old.  My doctor recommended we try one round of Clomid followed by an IUI(inner uterine insemination).  The hope was to get me to produce three good eggs, so that we had a better shot(15%chance) of one taking!

When I went in for my pre-insemination ultra-sound, the nurse saw two good looking eggs...but that was it!  Knowing we were only willing to do this process once, Matt and I prayed that one would take...well God answered!  He saw our one and raised us three!

and so the journey begins...